Once in a while, I get a very good question on my blog… and today is one of these days where I feel compelled to share my answer with all of you. One guy emailed me this:

Hi Khiem, I am trying to figure out the difference between chemistry and attraction. To me, it seems you can be attracted to someone, but feel no chemistry. That’s why a girl may be willing to go on an initial date with you, and you two can get along, but if there is no spark, she won’t see you again. Does that seem about right?

Ryan

Well, Ryan, you ask a very good question and interestingly, you seem to already know the answer but let me explain it further for you.

Attraction is basically the process in which a person gets attached to you. Attraction starts with a feeling of curiosity, a sense of intrigue about what you want to be attracted to. If you think about all the things you’ve decided to take on in your life, most things started with you being curious or intrigued about that something. Because you were curious about it, you decided to learn more about it, you decided to pursue it and therefore, you became attached and attracted to it.

Since intrigue is the beginning of attraction, then you can deduce that if you can get a woman to be curious about you, she’ll think of herself as attracted to you and will at least go on one date with you to find out what kind of guy you are.

When intrigued, most people feel the urge to satisfy their curiosity. This is why cliffhangers in movies work so well… this is why TV shows always make their weekly episode finish on a high… in a way to leave you hanging and wanting to know more.

Curiosity is one of human’s biggest driver and motivator. If you understand that, you can use it to your advantage to attract more women into your life. The great thing about intrigue is that it can take on many forms.

You can intrigue a woman by your good looks, by the way you tell stories, by the way you walk or by your demeanor, by the way other people respond to you in a venue (social proof), by your sense of expertise or authority (position of power or authority), etc. Basically, YOU can choose how you want to intrigue a woman based on which facet of yourself you want to convey to her first in order to arouse that curiosity in her.

During this process of intriguing the woman, she will perceive you as “different” from other men she’s seen. You are unique, you are interesting… and therefore, she goes on a date with you.

Chemistry on the other hand is more of a feeling inside of your body. Chemistry usually manifest itself as the feeling of deep arousal or deep emotional connection. It’s a sensation she gets when she is with you. People call it sparks, butterflies in the stomach or even love at first sight.

When you have chemistry with somebody, everything feels natural, good and right. Everything seems effortless because when you feel that chemistry, you feel like they are you, and you are them. It’s a feeling feeling of “togetherness”, or “oneness”.

When you have chemistry with someone, you are constantly aroused by them and you feel constantly the urge to bond with that person on a physical and chemical level.

Chemistry entails a sense of complicity, a sense of… it’s just you and me… it’s that sexual desire and urge that you can create through body language, tonality, eye contact, dirty talk, sexual innuendos and touch/caresses.

I want to make something clear though… chemistry is different from lust. Even though lust may feel like chemistry, lust is more a form of intrigue than it is a form of chemistry. Lust is more a type of curiosity in which she fantasizes or simply wonders about how it would be to be with you in bed.

So going back to your question, this is why when a woman feels attracted to you (aka curious), she’ll go on a first date with you… but she’ll only go on a second date with you if she feels chemistry (sexual arousal or deep connection).

If you guys ever want to learn more about how to attract women and how to become a powerful man, I highly recommend you checking out David Wygant’s Men’s Mastery Series and Vin DiCarlo’s The Attraction Code.

Most of you guys who’ve read David Wygant’s blog already know what David feels about Pickup Artists and their methods.  He doesn’t believe in them.

If you’ve read my blog for a while, I’ve already detailed many times what you can and can’t expect from PUA teachings.

It’s not that they necessarily don’t work.  Most of them are either childish, manipulative or plainly unnecessary (therefore, it takes you longer to get good with women)

Funny thing is David and I still receive a lot of emails from guys asking us the same question over and over again:

 “I recently read a book on xyz method.  I want to learn more about attracting women.  Do you think xyz method is a good starting point for those learning to attract women?”

 Well… before we even answer that question, let me ask you a few of my own: 

 What are you looking for?

• What kind of man are you?  Better… what kind of man do you want to be?  Are you wanting to be a Pickup Artist who speaks in pickup lingo to his friends and who always have to think of techniques every time he meets a women or do you want to be a the normal cool guy with whom women always look forward to meet up?               

• Where do you want to meet women?  A lot of the more funny, gimmicky methods out there are geared for you to use in high energy and loud environments such as bars and clubs.  It’s always good to learn how to have fun in any environments because the more you enjoy yourself, the more you project good vibes and the more attractive you become… however, do you really need to learn lines and games for you to know how to have fun?               

• What kind of women do you want to meet?  I’m not going to lie to you.  I’ve hung out with a lot of Pickup Artists and the types of women they attract are not the same kind of women I attract.  Enough said.  I like to talk to intelligent, caring, independent, emotionally stable and overall confident or self-made women. 
   
  When you read about a method, try imagining what kind of women would fall for those techniques.  I know a lot of PUA will tell you their stuff works on everyone but if you can feel something is fishy when you use some of their techniques or lines, the woman can too!  If they don’t say anything to point it out to you, it’s because they are letting you do your thing… because they already like you.  
   
  This is a huge topic of contention but when you go out using techniques, ask yourself:  how much is the woman liking me because of my use of techniques… and how much is it because she already likes me for who I am and for my energy or vibe?

• Do you see women as just an object to conquer and have sex with or do you truly enjoy and appreciate all that a woman can bring or contribute to your life?  This is not a criticism of ALL PUA methods but let’s be honest, a lot of these guys don’t actually like women.  They just want to bed them and as such, they have loose standards on what makes a woman worthy of the kind of man they are.  I personally don’t want to be with everyone out there.  There’re definitely a few women that I won’t associate myself with, no matter how hot they are.
    
• Do you want your world to center around women?  This is the biggest paradigm shift you have to accept.  The world of a PUA centers around women:  how to meet them, how to attract them, how to seduce them… how to chase them.
    
  Most of the “normal” men who I’ve seen naturally successful with women have their lives centered around what they are passionate about.  Women are a hobby.  These men don’t place their self-worth on the amount of women they have in their lives.  They place their self-worth on whatever activity they get fulfillment from. 

Therefore, if your goal is to learn how to attract women by being confident, by being you, you can skip a lot of the PUA methods out there.

The reason I have is very simple:  learn more about emotions and how emotions affect the woman and you’ll understand them better, connect with them better and in the end, attract them better.

You don’t need a method to learn how to do that.  Methods teach you a set of techniques and tactics.  Methods will give you a list of reasons on why their techniques work, how their techniques are based on the women’s needs and that’s why they successfully influence her emotions but I’ll be honest with you, their analysis is not always accurate.

There is no logic to emotions.

Even if your sole goal is to become a great womanizer, learn empathy and compassion.  Learn how to place yourself in her shoes so that you can understand her world.  By understanding her world, you will be able to navigate through her own emotional chaos and help her open up to you so she feels comfortable letting herself be seduced by you.

Instead of learning techniques A, B or C, instead of learning WHAT to do, LEARN HOW TO THINK about attraction, learn how to understand the emotions behind sexual arousal to make her feel desired, learn how to relate to the women’s needs and even more importantly, learn about yourself.

Attraction is about BEING attractive, not doing something attractive.

Real attraction starts from within because… Read the rest of this entry »

I talk about this with my close friends all the time.

Meeting women or meeting anyone for that matter isn’t that hard.

Attracting women into your life and consequently becoming intimate with one is much easier than you think…

… if only you’d stop making it hard on yourself to connect with her. 

I see it all the time during bootcamps:  the monkey chatter, the insecurities, the excuses.  Guys get so blinded by wanting women that they let let their own fears get in the way of being present in the moment with her.

Guys try to think so much ahead that they forget to listen and act on their very own desires and urges.

They just think too much.

Their misguided perception of what is going on hinders the real obvious truth.  Forget everything  you know about how attracting women is supposed to look like.  Forget everything you read from the Seduction Community for just a brief moment.

When you are with a woman, when you are truly there with her, listening to her, being with her… what do you feel?

What do you want most in that moment?

Being good with women is all about who you are, how you think and how you carry yourself genuinely to the very things you care about and want.

For once, listen to your dick.  Stop pretending you don’t enjoy or want women.  

A friend once got a girl so sexually ramped up that she was completely enamored with him.  What she wanted was so glaring obvious.  Unfortunately, in the end, nothing happened even though they were in her bedroom.  

Why?  Because he started questioning himself.  He started hesitating.  He started thinking too much instead of really flowing with what was right in front of him.

Stop analyzing what you HAVE to do to get her to RESPOND to you a certain way.

If you want to kiss her, kiss her.  If you like something about her, tell her.  If you want to hold her hand, do so… but here’s the magic trick:  

…if you can make her feel it already in her, you won’t have to force anything.

You can let it be.  You can ride the emotion.

If you can make her feel the desire to be with you, if you can make her feel curious about you, if you can make her feel the urge to do things with you, you won’t have to think about what to do to get her to agree to be with you.

Intrigue…  neg…  push-pull…  sexual barrier…  compliance…  every technique you may have learned from the Seduction Community is meant to affect the woman’s emotions about you.  

Stop learning the techniques.  Start learning about how you impact or even influence her emotions directly by your behaviors, by who you are.

All of that starts with you knowing what YOU want.  What do you like?

When you are talking to a woman, where do you want to take her emotionally?

Do you have a direction to the experience, the fairy tale you are creating with her?

You don’t have to be a super duper Pickup Artist (PUA) to get women.

You just have to be you, the you without the fears, without the insecurities, without the hesitation, the most authentic and powerful version of you that’s been there all along, deep inside of you, scared of truly coming out.

When you are confused on what to do,

• Don’t ask “does she like me?”, ask yourself:  ”do you like her?”
• Don’t ask “what do I do to get her to like me?,” ask yourself:  ”what can she do for me to like her?” or… “is there something in her that I may like?”
• Don’t ask “what should I do now?”, ask yourself:  ”what do you REALLY want to do now?”
• Don’t ask “why doesn’t it work?, ask yourself:  ”what else can I do?”
• Don’t ask “does she want to kiss me?”, ask yourself:  ”do you want to kiss her?”
• Don’t ask “what do I say to her?”, ask yourself:  ”what do I see?  what comes up to my mind?” and just say it to her.
• Don’t ask “am I being too xyz?”, ask yourself:  ”does it really matter?”
• Don’t ask “what more can I do to get her attention”, ask yourself:  ”does she really see me for all of who I am?” 

When you meet somebody, do you see more barriers or more opportunities?

When I interact with someone, I only see opportunities.

I see the opportunity for her to get to know me.  I see the opportunity for me to get to know her.

I see the opportunity for both her and I to learn to appreciate one another, to celebrate our individual uniqueness.

When a woman gives me the cold shoulder, I see it as an opportunity for me to show her how truly friendly and caring I am.

When a woman questions my judgment or my actions, I see it as an opportunity for me to show her how truly confident I am in what I do and believe.

When she hesitates with something, I see it as an opportunity to make her feel more at ease when I lead her with conviction down the path I know is both right and good her and me. 

When you focus and act on what you truly want, there is no room for hesitation.

Whatever I do, whatever I say, I own it.

Things are always easiest when you make a choice, when you make a decision.  Don’t linger.  Don’t think too hard.  Don’t question yourself all the time.  Act on things.

At every step of the interaction, all I think about is:  how do I keep this moving forward?

Attracting women is really not that hard.

Instead of creating barriers between you and her to get together because you use tricks, gimmicks or game, make it easy on yourself.  Remove the barriers.

Acknowledge the inherent sexuality that exist between a man and a woman.

Attraction is bound to happen if you just let it be.

Let that sexual desire blossom inhibited.

I’m just a man.  She’s just a woman.  The only thing separating us is space… and at any given time, she or I can determine how much space stays in between.

It’s something I’ve come up recently.  My friends love it.  It’s so simple, yet it says so much.

Say it… over and over again.  Soon, you’ll understand.

See what I see.

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If you want to learn things you can apply today to better your dating life, David Wygant’s Men’s Mastery Audio Series is one of the best out there.  He coaches men and women so he knows and understand both sides of the equation.

If you want to kick up a notch your understanding of how to be the naturally attractive man you ought to be, go check out Vin DiCarlo’s The Attraction Code.  He will explain in depth how you should think about what it means to be attractive.