Since the middle of last year, I have started to meet a lot of so-called Pick-Up Artists (PUAs) in training.  I’m not going to pretend to be able to do everything they can (because I can’t), however, I see a lot of similarities in the ones I consider successful.  They share a quality that any good public figure possesses:

They all have presence.

Just like a good presenter/speaker, they can supercharge the air with energy.  They are engaging to the people around them, without being overly entertaining or dominating.  They display a combination of good non-verbal communications (body language and positioning, mannerism… etc) and confidence that can only stem from strong internal beliefs about themselves.  At first, I wanted to write a post on how to develop a commanding presence, but as I sat in front of my computer screen, I realized I didn’t know how to describe it.  I can recognize it when I see it but that’s it.  OooOOoooh, think of James Bond or Darth Vader?  Can you feel it?

So… how do you develop a commanding presence?  My only clue is that learning presentation and leadership skills typically helps you develop it.  I wasn’t satisfied with that.  I talked about it over the phone with a girl who I consider an expert at reading people and she said:  “You can’t learn presence.  You either have it or you don’t.  It’s kind of like charisma.”  Hmmm…

I turned to www.dictionary.com for an answer and this is what I found:

pres·ence (prěz’əns)
n. 

1. A person’s bearing, especially when it commands respectful attention: “He continues to possess the presence, mental as well as physical, of the young man” (Brendan Gill).
2. The quality of self-assurance and effectiveness that permits a performer to achieve a rapport with the audience: stage presence.

This is not bad!  Presence is about self-respect and self-assurance.  I can work with that.  Can I find something else?  Let’s see what Google can come up with: Do you have a commanding presence? from the Taken In Hand website.  Whoa…

That website definitely is different.  It compiles a lot of articles that encourage men to get back in touch with their more masculine and dominant side to establish healthy relationships with women.  It doesn’t advocate men to become dictatorial in any form or fashion, but it sure talks about the need for men to lead more.  Interesting, yet so true.

So after some refletion, this is my best attempt at describing how to develop presence.  This is a tentative list.  Feel free to add or suggest changes to my list in your comments.

1. Perfect your body language.  Nothing draws more attention than having good non-verbal communications.  Stand tall and walk proudly.
2. Determine what you stand for.  I think it’s important for people around you to know what you are about, so take some time exploring what you believe and develop your own code of ethics.  What are your expectations of the world around you?  Too many people try to please everyone nowadays and become wishy washy.   Once you know what you believe in, be consistent in your beliefs.
3. Believe, have faith and be unafraid.  That’s right!  Once you know what you believe in, stand up for yourself.  Don’t be scared of taking risks, even in a social setting.  People with strong presence seldomly show any care for how people perceive them.  They have an unwavering trust in what they do is right and is socially acceptable.  However, recognize when you are being unfair or when you are in the wrong.
4. Engage and lead the people around you.  Be social (that doesn’t mean be a clown).  As JC wrote on his blog: “The world is a friend I am getting to know, one person at a time.”  You want to inspire the people around you by setting the example.
5. Care.  I noticed that people with good presence tend to make other people feel like they matter.  There is a certain level of emotional connection you should foster with the people around you.  If you don’t care about the very things you value, no one will care for you.
6. Be firm in your beliefs but be calm/have self-restraint when things don’t go your way.  In situations of crisis, I noticed that the people who stay calm and show disapproval for bad behavior are more respected and maybe even more feared than the ones who blow up in anger.  Can you imagine Darth Vader cursing out and yelling when his Imperial Officers fail him? That would really look funny.

That’s it for now.  I can’t think of anything else at the moment.  Enjoy!

EDIT 09/29/2007:  As I become better in my understanding of social dynamics, I realize now that developing a strong presence is all about practicing the ”be in the moment“.  As your attention focuses on the present moment, you experience life more vividly through all your senses.  You become more attuned to your surroundings.  You can clearly listen to the energy and emotions that float around you.  Your actions, your intent and your thoughts move in harmony as one.  You can be kind just as easily as you can be tough.  Unlike others who live most of their lives in a coma, you are not in your head.  You live life fully aware.

If something unexpected flies your way, you have the clear mind to respond accordingly instead of just reacting.

You truly feel alive.  Everyone else wants to feel like you because…

You are present. 

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