Have you ever asked yourself:

• What’s in it for me?
• Can I get that?
• How is that (value) good for us?
• Why should I care?
• Does he/she like me back?
• What is our return on investment (ROI)?
• Do we have the resources to do that?
• Can I afford that?
• How easy is it to learn?
• How difficult is it to implement?
• Would he/she go out with me?

These are questions that people answer everyday.  Most of the time, we do it subconsciously.  We do it e-v-e-r-y time we plan on investing a significant amount of energy, resources or time into something.  Is the something we want within our reach?  Is it worth it?  Is it achievable?  Today, I am talking about… Attainability.

We seem to understand the concept of attainability instinctively when we are about to purchase something of great value because we can clearly visualize the relationship between value and cost/price.  However, for some odd reason, no one ever thinks of it when we are wanting to design or sell something.  For example:

• In product development, most engineers focus more on how many new features and functionalities they can add to the list, rather than making the current product work better for the customer.
• In adverstising, many marketers will think of additional ways to showcase the various functions of their product, rather than explaining how the product fulfill their customers’ needs better than the competition.
• In presentations, the speaker will sometimes present his facts without addressing enough the reason why that piece of information is imporant and why the audience should care about it. 

Fortunately, business people have caught on quickly to this lack of understanding in the proper use of attainability.  Today, website designers study web usability.  Salesmen learn about identifying and matching products to customers’ needs instead of using hard sales tactics.  Online marketers use web analytics to quantify the best methods to reach new consumers.  Advertisers pay attention to product placement. 

But what about attainability in the dating world?  Aren’t we trying to sell ourselves to the opposite sex?  Has any of us thought about making ourselves attainable to the kind of men and women we want in our lives?  It seems that most men and women who are unsuccessful in relationships constantly want to show more and more of their value to create those sparks of attraction.

Society would want us to believe that we need to impress our partners for them to like us.  We want to be more handsome/beautiful, more fit, more confident, have more money, have a better car, a bigger house, be funnier so that we can attract the opposite sex.

In that same logic, how many times have you heard people talk like this:
I drive a BMW…. Oh yeah, I own this house on the lake…  Yesterday, I was hanging out with celebrity xxx…  I usually go in all the clubs for free… 

• Are these statements by themselves attractive?  NO!  They are not, unless you can show how those values can translate to being good for the person you are talking with. 
• Would adding a sense of attainability be better?  I’d love for you to join me this summer at my lake house…  I think celebrity xxx would love to meet you…  We should go to the club together sometimes.  It’ll be fun!  I know the bouncer…

So if you are trying to date TODAY,  don’t focus so much on increasing your value, look for ways to convey more attainability.  You already have plenty of value as a person.  You are already attractive!  If you have things going on for yourself, then you hold within you all the life experience you need to make yourself unique and beautiful.  The question is:  what is your value and can the men and women around you see that?

To steal a line from Troy, a Charisma Arts instructor: “Give the men/women around you the opportunity to pick you up.”

Don’t misunderstand me.  I am not saying that you should not strive to continuously improve the value you have in life by doing, achieving and accomplishing more.  You should also not neglect how you present your value to the world (dress nice enough, have a life…etc).  However, what I am saying is that when you meet that hot guy/girl, you can’t increase your current inherent value.  You may increase the perception of your existing value by being funnier than you typically are, by being nicer than you usually are, by dressing way better than usual, by entertaining them with magic tricks… etc., but for what purpose?  Are you trying to impress him/her or are you trying to truly attract him/her for who you are?

People have been conditioned to always want more.  We are bombarded by false advertisements that claim the latest new gadgets will help us do or get more.  But is it what we need?  Do I really need a bigger penis?  Do I really need bigger boobs?  All those things are nice but if we are solely thinking in those terms, we are setting our dating life for failure.  We don’t need our lover to be more handsome, funnier, wealthier (though that can help if it fulfills a certain need).  We need them to fit our psychological and sexual needs better.  Don’t put a social mask on when you meet someone.  It is actually NICE to meet someone who is genuine and authentic to who they truly are.

WHAT IS ATTAINABILITY?

Attainability is about transferring your inherent value to become value in his/her life.  It is the opening and closing window that allows the other person to view all your value.  It is about giving that person access to your value.  If I reverse it, attainability is the feeling that your potential partner has a shot at you, that they CAN be with you.

Attainability is not the same as availability. 
-  Availability implies that you are are giving yourself “for free.”  It’s similar to a business giving free samples out to passerbys.
-  Attainability implies that you have self-respect and therefore demand a little bit of commitment/compliance before he/she can access your value.  It’s similar to credit card companies giving out t-shirts IF the customer fills out a credit card application.

Assuming you already have your value handled, what are examples of attainability?

A.  If you are not meeting people:
-  Position yourself to be picked up.  Be friendlier and open-minded.  Give people the opportunity to meet you.
-  Talk to more strangers in your daily routines.  Allow them to discover you.  Since you are already attractive, why wouldn’t they want to talk to you?
-  If you like a certain type of man or woman, go to the places where they would hang out.

B.  If you are already talking or dating that hot guy/girl, interact in a way that reinforces the following  3 questions.  Your partner should be able to answer “yes” to:

1. Compatibility:  Can someone like me get someone like him/her?
   Talk about similar backgrounds, similar friends, reinforce that you like something about him/her, call or text every few days to remind him/her that you can be part of his/her life, create complicity with each other
2. Respect:  Will he/she respect me as a friend?
   Treat him/her the same way that you treat a friend.  Don’t put him/her on a pedestal.  Do activities that you’d do with friends.
3. Legitimacy:  Is this for real?
   Behave genuinely.   Don’t put on your social mask to impress him/her.  There’s no need for you to spit game at him/her all the time.

C.  If you have little time to go out on dates:
- Invite some of your prospective girlfriends/boyfriends out to do a fun activity that contributes to developing or accomplishing your goals or projects, particularly if those tasks relates to reinforcing your value.
If you are a chef, take your date grocery shopping with  you.  If you are a painter showcasing your art, invite him/her to help you set up the opening ceremony…etc.

Why is attainability important?

Assuming you already have good value in your life to reinforce, and legitimize how attractive you are, your potential partner will not put in the effort to pursue you if he/she doesn’t feel a little sense of attainability.  This is called Auto-Rejection Mechanism.

Case in point:  Think of the last crush you’ve had.  You see him/her enter the room.  He/she looks good.  You love being around him/her because he/she brightens your day.  You always try to talk to him/her whenever you can.  However, as time passes, if he/she doesn’t show any signs of interest in you, you start losing interest.  You stop trying to pursue a relationship because he/she failed to create a sense of attainability with you.

The relationship between Dolly and Barman Ben is a perfect example of that phenomenon.  Read her story here as she describes the emotional roller coaster she experiences as Barman Ben shows no evident signs of interest in her, but instead focuses on flirting with her roommate.

• So if you aren’t finding the right person to date, are you making yourself unattainable?  Are you too demanding, bitchy or mean?  Are you putting yourself out there and opening up?
• If you aren’t having anyone chase you, are you making yourself too available?  Are you demanding respect in exchange for you spending time and energy into the other person?  Do you have clear expectations of the other person towards you?

Attainability is your ability to make your partner feel that he/she is lucky to be with you.  Think about it…

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 7th, 2007 at 4:59 pm. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a comment, or trackback from your own site.