| The Fallacy of Wanting More |
| Posted by Khiem in: Articles |
So you’ve done all this “work.” You’ve gone from total loser to complete stud.
You walk slowly in the bar, you scan the room, a girl is checking you out. You half-smile back at her but you know not to eagerly walk up to her yet. She’s actually not the only one who’s been glancing at you ever since you stepped in. You have the choice. Hmmm… who are you going to pick tonight? There, that one! She’s sitting in the back corner talking to her friends. She’s pretty. Cute face, boobilicious body, curvacious hips. She notices you as you start walking to her. She pretends not to see you but you can tell she’s getting nervous as she realizes the prospect of meeting you.
You start the conversation with something you can’t even remember. Within minutes, all her friends love you. Her entire social circle is mesmerized by you. Without knowing why or how, she senses the sexual tension rising between you and her. She’s feeling a little bit flustered inside, maybe a little warm. With calm confidence, you pull her to the side. She smiles or laughs at the drop of your every word. She touches your arm and brushes herself against you. She tells you things she haven’t shared with many guys before. She really likes you. By the end of the night, you get her phone number. Maybe you’ve kissed her. Maybe you’ve made out with her. Maybe you’ve even slept with her.
Pick-up is easy for you now. If you wanted, the same scenario could play over and over again every night. Women call you non-stop to hang out with you. You have more dates than you even know what to do with. Now what?
You actually have a few girlfriends, some more serious than others. Some are actually so in love with you that they want a committed relationship from you. However, you don’t know if you can honor that commitment. Now what?
Let me tell you this. Don’t be afraid to go to the next level.
I see so many Pick-Up Artists working so hard at staying in the position to “have the choice in women.” After suffering so many years of not having any options, they are now constantly looking for new, better, hotter women. It’s like they collect them. They always need “one more.” I know… having someone new is fun. It’s like having a new toy every day. If that’s what you enjoy and want, keep playing the field. I respect that decision and you should stop reading now.
But if you are done sowing your royal oats, if you have now decided to find yourself a “real” girlfriend/wife or if you are not finding fulfillment in meeting more women, then ask yourself: what’s the point of having a choice in women if you don’t exercise that choice? How long are you wanting to stay unattached for? Do you want to be that creepy 65 year old man who’s still chasing after 3-4 women?
It’s time to look hard at what you have already. I am sure that some of the women you are seeing today are worth pursuing a real relationship with. Why aren’t you?
In pick-up, you learn to conquer your own fears and insecurities. Be that confident man, they say. Don’t let fear take over you when it comes to talking to a woman. Just approach and so… you’ve learned to overcome that anxiety. Well… now that you have the choice in women, what are you afraid of?
My roommate used to tell me:
In the end, you only need one woman to be happy.
I have a friend who was dating a wonderful girl. He met her only one month after taking his bootcamp with theApproach. He came to a dilemma that many Pick-Up Artists would eventually have to face. After a few months of dating, he sensed that she would soon want a committed relationship with him. She was hot, she was caring, she was fun, she was sexy and for a while, she did tolerate his uncommitted ways. Yes, she liked him a lot and so did he. But what was he to do: go exclusive with her or keep seeing other women?
At this moment, a lot of Pick-Up Artists would have chosen to break-up with the girl to maintain their position of choice. They prefer to break it off rather than become more attached to her. They don’t want to miss out on meeting and seeing other girls. Maybe they are afraid of liking that ONE girl too much. Maybe they don’t want to hurt her because she’s falling too in love with them and they don’t want that to get out of hand. Whatever.
My friend decided to give exclusivity a shot. It’s not like he couldn’t break-up with her later if things didn’t work out. When he made that decision, he wasn’t thinking marriage either but now, I can say he’s happier than ever. You should have seen the big smile he had at his wedding. He married her earlier this month. If he didn’t take the time to connect to her on a deeper level, he wouldn’t have realized how much she meant to him. When you are done with the thrills of “just sex,” only a committed relationship can allow you to grow on a deeper personal level. We sometimes forget to notice the very gem that is in front of us. If you have a quality woman in your life who is worth savouring, don’t let her slip you by.
So when the time comes, don’t fall for the fallacy of wanting more. Recall why you became a Pick-Up Artist in the first place. Wasn’t it to have the ability to eventually find that special someone? Look at Hugh Hefner. At 80 year old, even he is getting married again.
I am not asking you to settle down but if a girl feels right, stop looking around. Allow yourself to grow with her. Try things out.
Another friend of mine who has always been very successful with women reminded me of something I’ve told him in my college years. I didn’t remember it but it was something that have stayed on his mind for years:
On a deep emotional level, when you sleep with someone, you give away a little piece of your soul. Don’t spread your soul too thin.
Maybe there’s some truth to that.
Can you be happy with what you have?
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September 21st, 2007 at 4:43 pm
As always, nail on the head. Awesome post, thanks for the wise words.
September 24th, 2007 at 10:48 am
I just saw this video on TED and thought it was apropos: too much choice can cause depression, by Barry Schwartz.
His points, as summarized here, are:
Too many choices cause:
- Paralysis rather than liberation – people prefer to make no decision rather than make a complicated choice.
- Less satisfaction with decisions as people have greater reason to regret the decisions they have made.
- Unrealistic expectations.
- Self-blame – when experiences are not perfect, people blame themselves.
There’s more in his book The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less
You could look at dating in the context of auction styles, as Patri Friedman from Catallarchy posts about here
How is an English [auction style] dater ever to know, for example, that their current mate is the highest bidder? And given that, how are they supposed to forge a meaningful long-term relationship with their eye still on the market? Is it possible for an English dater to settle down when they have gotten used to ditching their date when something better comes along?
Glen cites search theory as the relevant branch of economics, but I would cite the commitment strategy aspects of game theory. There are situations (like the game of chicken) where restricting one’s later options is a winning strategy, and being open to changing your mind is actually a loss. And I think that many happily married people would agree that marriage is one of them – if you view it as a temporary expedient, you are unlikely to get very much out of it.
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Good stuff Khiem.
I would suggest the chorus of angels could be… a trigger for that old feeling of “the hunt” rather than a genuine potential connection. Afterall, a genuine connection is about getting to know someone, which is not instantaneous.
April 7th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Khiem, found your blog thru the Dicknotist’s blog. Great post! This is an issue I think about all the time. I’m a bit older than many aspiring PUA’s (nearly 30) and I know for a fact that I don’t want to be dating forever. I DO want the skills to generate more options, but once I find someone special, I want to keep her. I think much of this comes with age. Guys in their early or middle 20’s are sowing their oats, as you said. Look at some of the superstar PUA’s out there: Mystery, Style, TD, all have or have had serious LTR’s recently.
April 24th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Hi,
I found your blog also through Dicknotists’s. I enjoyed reading your blog because at my deepest core – I really do enjoy connecting with people.
Having never had mLTR, I have no idea which is gonna feel right for me but I am excited to try both. We’ll see where this goes.
Awesome to hear a different, less vocalized perception of relationships. Thanks man.