A couple weeks ago, a girl I really liked and I “broke up”. 

We never really dated. 

We’ve been friends for a year and a half.  We started our friendship with a very hot makeout but life happens and we never managed to see each other much.

On the day we “broke up”, she told me very harsh words via texts.  Somehow, I wasn’t phased. I saw these words for what they were:  a mere reflection of her own confused emotional state.

I was sad… not because I didn’t get the girl, not because I lost a friend.  I was sad because she couldn’t see how much she had.  She had so much potential and beauty but oftentimes, she would look for outside validation to make herself feel better instead of truly believing in herself. 

I was sad that on many occasions, she behaved a certain way because she didn’t know better.

Yesterday, I went to meet up with some friends to play golf.  I arrived an hour late (I didn’t sleep very much the night before).  I didn’t know what I was doing but I walked on the golf course directly to hole #3 to see my friends.  I didn’t know I couldn’t walk on like that.  I didn’t even pay. 

As I started walking towards my friends, people were yelling at me from afar to tell me something.  I looked back without really understanding what people wanted and kept on walking.  I was unphased by the commotion and social pressure around me.

My friend couldn’t believe what I just did.  He said I was “Gangsta” for walking in like that.

A week and a half ago, I got into a car accident.

I was driving straight when the other car trying to turn left hit me on my driver side, rear wheel.  My car spun almost 180 degrees and I came to a complete stop on the side of the curb, facing back traffic.

Throughout the entire experience, I saw everything move in slow motion.  I wasn’t afraid.  I wasn’t panicked.  I knew what to do.

A few days ago, my insurance deemed my car as “total loss”.  The damages were too heavy for repairs when considering how many miles my car had.  I have to buy a new car now.  The other insurance hasn’t accepted liability yet either.  My rental car may not get paid by the insurance.  What it translates to is…

I have a lot of uncertainty floating around in my life at this moment.  I am faced with potentially new financial stress.

But I am calm.

How do YOU react to the pressures in your life?  When faced with unexpected situations, how do you handle negative or overwhelming emotions?

Jealousy, anger, fear, anxiety, pain, feelings of inadequacy, strong urge to feel loved, racism, embarrassment…

These are all emotions that will test your emotional strength and character.

These are also emotions that will arise when a woman teases you or as the Seduction Community calls it “shit tests” you.

As men, we are taught to be unreactive… almost to the point of stoicism.  In hopes of being strong, I learned to hide my emotions.  That’s what I thought being strong meant.  That’s what I believed for a long time. 

Don’t show your emotions.  It’s weak.

I became afraid of feeing sad, angry, scared… etc because I thought showing emotions meant I was weak.

I was wrong.  Emotions are what makes me feel alive.  They are what makes me feel strong.  I can’t run away from them and I shouldn’t have to hide them.  Instead, I need to embrace them.

But as much as I embrace them because they make me feel alive, I don’t let my emotions control me.  The way I look at emotions is that they are a reaction to my environment.  They allow me to see what is happening around me.  They are my most important tool to experience life as a human being but as important as they are, they are temporary and only matter in the moment that I feel them.

As a fun exercise, take 3-5 days to observe everything around you.  Don’t react to anything.  Don’t talk.  Just watch.  Pay attention to how people react to their own emotions.  You’ll soon see that people are actually quite predictable when you understand their emotions.

I guess they call that empathy.

As a man, I realize that true emotional strength comes from being emotionally grounded.  I can’t run away from my emotions but I can choose how they affect the way I react.

Instead of reacting blindly to the forces and pressures in my life, I can learn to respond accordingly to what I want.

I liken emotional strength as being the bamboo tree that’s securely grounded in the ground.  When you are emotionally grounded, you can withstand any storm, no matter how strong it is.  You embrace these emotions like the way the bamboo tree bends to the weather calamities but you never break.

Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind. — Bruce Lee

Deep inside, emotions are what make all of us the same.  Our “packaging” (aka our experiences) make us different and unique from one another but at our core, we all share the same emotions.  We all feel the same things.

We aren’t so different from one another.  Thus, you have nothing to fear from one another.

If you are afraid of how someone judges you, the other person is probably just as afraid of you judging him or her.

So how does emotional strength help you with dealing with “shit tests”?

Well, once you achieve that kind emotional strength and stability, “shit tests” don’t exist anymore.

“Shit tests” become your opportunity to show your true colors.  They are your opportunity to show the world how strong you are.  They are your opportunity to show your character.

From a woman’s point of view, a “shit test” is her way to get to know you better, to see who you are, to check how authentic you are compared to the image you project of yourself.

The way you handle “shit tests” proves to the woman how comfortable you are with your core identity.  The more confident you convey yourself through these “shit tests”, the more attractive you become.

Part of the Seduction Community teaches guys to handle “shit tests” by treating the girl like the annoying little sister.  The Community teaches guys to use cocky & funny lines or banter to show that they aren’t affected by the “shit test”.

There is a time and place for banter and cocky & funny lines… but many times, these guys use them wrong.  When a man uses those techniques as the default reply to “shit tests”, I feel he may be trying too hard to prove himself or he’s trying too hard to protect his ego.  Look at these examples:

Her:  Are you always this arrogant?
Him:  Are you always this bitchy?

Her:  Hey, would you leave us alone.  We are trying to have a conversation here!!!
Him:  Awww, you are so cute when you get mad.

There is no reason for you to add oil to a burning fire.  When you belittle a woman into being the annoying little sister and you do it wrong (your delivery or timing is off), you are only digging yourself into a deeper hole. 

What if you stopped trying to defend yourself.

Her:  Are you always this arrogant?
Him:  Yes, I can be but I am shy too.  Would you like to see my shy side? [grin]

Her:  Hey, would you leave us alone.  We are trying to have a conversation here!!!
Him:  I can see that but you seemed cool and I wanted to talk to you.

Don’t hide your insecurities.  Don’t hide what you want.  Embrace your emotions and TELL the people who tests you that you are okay with both your desires and fears.

When you are aware and accepting of who you are, you become stronger.

No one can make you feel bad unless you let them.  99% of the time, you should never have to defend or prove yourself to anyone.  You can’t be afraid of how people are going to judge you.

Verbally, the most effective techniques to deal with “shit tests” are the “yes, and…” and the “yes, but…” phrases.  The “yes” shows that you are acknowledging and accepting the “shit test” whereas the “but…” or the “and…” shows that her negative comment has no effect on you.

Non-verbally, a light shrug or the retarded look (looking at her with light skepticism and amusement) is just as effective. 

Both verbal and non-verbal techniques creates the illusion that you have an invisible protective aura around you.  You deflect and redirect her “attacks” away from you because they truly have no effect on you.

When Yakub was here with me in California, he asked me how I developed that emotional calmness.  I told him in the following podcast:

 

 Emotional Strength [12:22m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (105)

Emotional strength takes time to develop but don’t be afraid to embrace and accept these emotions.  Yes they are random but they are powerful too.  They make you more real.

They give you inner power.

By the way, if you haven’t checked out Vin DiCarlo’s latest e-book, go take a look.  The Attraction Code does talk about emotional strength (which is part of his 11 immutable laws of an attractive identity).  It teaches you how to THINK about attraction the right way so you can start being the confident person you’ve always wanted to be. 

If you are a college student, you should definitely check Mark Redman’s Conquer Your Campus e-book.  I still have to write a full review of it but I know that I wish I had access to it when I was in college.  It details everything you should know about navigating the social scene on your college campus, from talking to girls on Facebook to making the best out of frat parties.

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