If you think women tell their girlfriends everything, people tell me everything and more.  If someone is hot with clothes but not without, I know it.  If someone is awesome at sucking cock, eating pussy, loves rough and raw sex like no other, I know it too.

If the guy/girl you are going out with is a boring date, I know that as well.  What the guy/girl doesn’t know is that they aren’t going to get any anytime soon with the person who told me about them.

From overly small or large body parts, to bedroom quirks, to extremely good or bad dates, to stupid relationship fights, to unexpected emotional wounds, I get it all.  And the funny thing about it all… I don’t judge people any more positively nor negatively for it.

I still love it:  the gossip AND the people!

That’s what makes love great, doesn’t it?

And this is where the following letter comes in.  This is what one of my former clients experienced with one of his online dates.  The first couple times he met her, everything seemed pretty kosher.  Little would he know he was in for a surprise.  So with his permission, I’m reposting a parody letter he would have loved to send to the said Psycho Girl.

Read on to find out what happened.

Dear Psycho Girl,

I’m writing you this letter to let you know that “yes” means “yes.”
When we’re fooling around, naked in bed, and you tell me, “yes, let’s
have sex,” I’m hearing, “yes, let’s have sex.”

I know you may have been on the fence at first, but when you and I are
hot and heavy, paws running freely on our bare bodies, and you finally
tell me multiple times that you want it, you shouldn’t be surprised at
what I do next.

So when I go to reach for a condom from the nightstand, and I open the
drawer and pick up a condom, there’s no need to scream at the top of
your lungs, “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT??!!!” like a demon on meth. You should remember that just 10 seconds ago, you said, “yes, let’s have
sex.”

And when I tell you that “maybe we should slow things down just a
bit,” that does not mean “please start unloading about all of the
shitty relationships and loser guys you had in the last 10 years.” I
don’t want to hear about the guy who owned a motorcycle who you
weren’t sure whether you were dating or not, nor do I want to hear
your technical definition of what you consider actually fucking and
hooking up.

If he’s put it in you, it’s called “yes, you did it.”

In fact, not remembering whether you had sex with someone from the
past is not an excuse for trying to remember aloud.  I’d work on
remembering things a little more immediate.

How about “yes, let’s have sex.”

I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,
A Guy Who Will Never Call You Back

P.S. – Yes, I got your text, and your email, and your second email.
Just for future reference, thanking me for being so “understanding”
after such a fiasco does not make me want you (any)more.

So here I turn back to you, my dear reader.  What are some of the more interesting and extravagant experiences you’ve had while dating.

It’s storytelling time!!!

Today, inspired by my “First Impressions” series of blogs (first couple stories are here and here), Donnie wants to share a personal story.  He is going to talk about how to not let the monkey chatter cloud your mind and make the best out of your first few interactions with someone.

If you have a an insightful and entertaining story you want to share that truly speaks of how people really think while dating or socializing, email me.  I don’t think you need “gurus” to show you how to date better.  When it comes to improving your chances at meeting and attracting the people you want in your life, I believe we can all learn from each other if we shared more of our experiences with one another.

And Kiss N’ Tale is the place for you to do that!

Right now, the series is about “first impressions” or “first love/lust.”  I also would love people to write about bad sex, interracial dating or being too much of a nice guy.

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Have I been wrong all along?  Back track to a few months ago, to when I was just starting to open myself up and really put myself out there to meet people, everything I saw was what I believed to be real.

I’d work myself up the courage to go and talk to the cute girl behind the counter at the coffee shop and rather than just placing my order, I would talk to her and see what she is all about.  We’d have a good fun conversation that would last for a good few minutes depending on how many people were in line (usually I went up when there was no line) or until I had exhausted the conversation and felt like I had left a good impression.

So what happened the next time I saw her?

I’d walk into the coffee shop and I’d instantly look to see if she was working that day.  When I saw her and she’d look up at me and then look back at what she was doing, all I could think about was:  “Did I creep her out?” “Does she not remember me?” “Should I just leave?”.  Explosions of monkey chatter would go off in my head when in reality, she was just working and being focused on her job, nothing personal.

Do you find yourself “expecting” things from women?  When you think about it, how many times have you not talked to a girl because she didn’t show immediate bubbly enthusiasm that you were in her presence?

What you see is not what you always get.

I remember going to a musical performance a few weeks back, and onstage, was this girl that I had interacted with through the performance school for many years.  I always thought she was a cold bitch.  She never talked to me, or smiled at me, or even acknowledged me most of the time.  But when I saw her on stage that night, she was putting it all out there.  She was singing on such a higher level than I had ever heard her before and I felt a very strong need to tell her how impressed I was with her hard work.

So what happened at the after-party when I came across her?  I was talking to some old friends and she just so happened to come and join our social circle to talk to someone else standing to the side.  I looked at her but she didn’t look back at me.

“Does she even remember who I am?”

Once she stopped talking to her friend, she just stood there listening to our conversation… and I looked at her again.  She had this stony uninterested look on her face.  So I thought “what the hell…” and I said:

Me:  Hey ____!  I was really impressed by how good you’ve gotten!  Wow!  (I wondered if she even knew who I was)

Her:  Donnie!!!!  (She then came up and hugged me)

Her:  Thank you so much!  I haven’t seen you in like 4 years!  How have you been?  What have you been up to?

What did I really expect her reaction to be?  I thought that she’d look at me and scoff, wondering who this stranger was getting all up in her business.  Quite the opposite, she was beaming with the brightest smile I have ever seen on her face, she then was very excited to find out what I had been up to over the past few years since I’ve been away.

WTF?  Here I was thinking that this girl didn’t want to have anything to do with me, getting all caught up in my own insecurities when in reality, she was thinking the exact same thing.  She remembered me but was unsure whether I remembered her.  And when I stepped up and simply acknowledged her person to person, all doubt and insecurity was thrown aside.  All that was left were two people communicating and enjoying each other’s company.

Have I been wrong all along?

These “signals” that we observe from other people, whether they are cross-armed or avoiding eye contact with everyone around them, is nothing.  There is no logical foundation behind the perceptions that we make in a split second of looking at someone.  You think you have someone all figured out before you even hear their voice but the truth is, reality may be very different than what you make it to be.

My biggest take away from this experience was that the people that I go out and I choose to interact with, are full of the same doubt, uncertainty, and insecurity that I once suffocated myself with.  And believe me I was suffocating.

I’d get so caught up in whether this person remembered me or not, I would look so hard for some sign of acknowledgement from them that I didn’t think to acknowledge them myself and show them that I remembered them… and that I could make THEM feel special.

So once I talk to someone, you bet your ass I’m going to talk to them the next time too because it’s about being the leader and not just waiting around for everyone else to take the lead.  It’s about being memorable and making them feel remembered…

First impressions are only as important as the second and third.  The first impression is just a foundation to build something on, but you’ll never get anything done if you just lay the foundation and walk away.

At first, I didn’t know she was part of the group.  She was cute.  She was walking with a shorter lightly pudgy Asian guy I didn’t know either.  Her smile was the first thing that caught my attention.

Her smile was the kind of smile that whispered to me:  ”Well hello there!…”

It was the kind of smile that made me want to make a mental double take, but I couldn’t… at least not yet.  I needed to focus on the girl who actually invited me out and who just walked up to me with a hug.

I acted cool, I acted “normal.”  Throughout the evening, I mostly entertained “Alya,” the girl I flirted with last week.  The evening kind of felt like a double date.  ”Alya” was walking with me… and the other girl was walking with the pudgy Asian guy.  I still didn’t know if she was with him or not.

However, I would find my eyes furtively look for her.  From the corner of my eyes, I’d catch her looking back at me or maybe it was her catching me look at her.  There was that unspoken smile again.

Maybe it wasn’t even her smile, maybe it was her eyes.  There was a glimmer in her eyes that seemed to want to blurt out more than just hi.

We talked a few times to one another, never alone, always in group, occasionally joking around, teasing…

She had an allure to her…. a certain sweet, genuine, innocent vibe mixed with something utterly contradictory, a darker, sexier and much more confident energy.

I would be lying if I didn’t say I noticed the contour of her soft round chest filling her deep V-neck shirt with smooth curves that would make my mind wander in territories not so holy and leading my eyes down towards her short jeans skirt.

I like the way she walked.  I liked the way she looked at me, talked to me, smiled at me…

At one point, she and I found each other by ourselves.  ”Her” guy and “my” girl walked away together to get drinks.  It turned out “her” guy was just a friend from college and “my” girl was someone she just met a few days prior.  Ironically, I just met “Alya” the week before too.

She admitted to being adventurous… or maybe spontaneous, I’m not quite sure anymore… so I called her out on it:

I dare you to stand right there, under the screen projection, and dance in front of everyone!

We were at the Museum of Natural History for First Friday, near USC.  There was a screen projection on the wall of the live band playing.  A lot of people were gathered in semi-circle there in front of that screen, watching and singing along but not dancing.  I didn’t think she’d do it.  I was just teasing her.

Do you guys notice the projection screens?

Fainting hesitation yet without skipping a beat, she fired back at me:

OK, but what do I get if I do it?

Do you know what it feels like when you are in the moment with someone, the tension is high and everything you’ve felt so far seems to culminate and all crash into one single “turning-point” moment?  That’s e-x-a-c-t-l-y how I felt.  My mind was running 200 miles an hour.  I haven’t thought that far ahead when I dared her to dance in front of everybody.

I wanted to say something clever or witty back but what was I going to say?  What could I give her?  What could I give her?  What could I give her?

I blurted out:

I’ll give you a kiss…

She smiled again… maybe bigger.  Oh my god… I couldn’t believe I told her I’d kiss her.  Here I was, out because “Alya” probably liked me and now telling another girl I’d kiss her… when I barely met her maybe 30 minutes to an hour ago.

Wait a second… what kind of kiss would I give her in the first place?  A cheek kiss, a lip peck, a french kiss?  My mind was still running at 200 miles an hour.  What was she hoping for anyway?

What if I did kiss her…

As if by an act of God, she never got to prove me her adventurous and spontaneous side on that very instant.  The museum suddenly turned off the screen projection because the live band ended their show.  The crowd scattered out.

“Alya” and the Asian guy came back to join us.

Without knowing how spontaneous girl truly felt about me, I already knew there was something special about her:  a spark, an attraction… a silent desire to be with her.  What was she about?  What was she really like?  I still didn’t know much about her… yet she had me intrigued.

I was drawn to her… and by something more than physical…

For the rest of the night, I still focused on chatting with “Alya.”  We went to dinner as a group but it was obvious to me and the other girl that my mind was reaching out for something else.

After dinner, “Alya” and the Asian guy decided to call it a night.  I lingered around and took my new found interest out around town.  The attraction was already there.  Random people in Hollywood were already complimenting us on being such a cute couple as we walked arm in arm.  Little did they know we just met few hours ago.

I didn’t kiss her until maybe 3-4 hours later from the moment I met her.  We kissed on the beach, under the Santa Monica Pier.  At first, I was nervous.  I don’t think she knew… but if felt so right.

She became my first real love.  We maintained an intensely passionate relationship for 10 months and I eventually did find out that she was indeed spontaneous and adventurous.  Unfortunately, the long distance finally took its toll on us.

Now, I don’t ask myself “what if I did kiss her” anymore but I sometimes ponder… “what if we actually had lived in the same city?”

At some point in the relationship, I asked her:

When did you know you were actually attracted to me?

She said:

The moment I saw you, I thought you were really cute.  I said to myself “‘Alya’ hasn’t mentioned anything about him before.  Ohhh, I sure hope he’s not with her.”  You also had that smile… that I could never tell what you were thinking about.

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This post is a continuation of my “First Impressions” blog series (which started with this post).  A few weekends ago, I was discussing with a client how much easier it is to attract and go on dates if you learn to create positive first and lasting impressions.

As I finish this post, I realize maybe I should re-title this series as “Love at First Sight” but eventually, I think I’ll write stories where the first impressions didn’t turn into potential girlfriends or relationships.

Remember, it’s always easier to attract someone when you set the bar high for yourself rather than setting the bar low and working your way back up.  Everything you do, say or wear say something about you.  Whether you are conscious of it or not, you are constantly creating an impression on someone.

How are people perceiving you on first impression?

If you have a great “First Impression” or “Love at First Sight” story and want to share, hit me up with an email or post a comment!