There are times when I am amazed at the kind of honesty and deep kind of stuff I get to talk about with my guy friends late at night.

If you’ve read my blog for a while, you know I am all about demystifying incorrect beliefs.  I’m all about thinking and living life in a way that helps you achieve the things you set yourself to achieve.

So today, I decided to share with you my raw self.  You get to see me chat honestly about life and dating.  You get to see a side of me that not everyone gets to see unless you know me for a while… or unless you do long-a coaching with me.

Manuel is a friend of mine I’ve mentioned in a previous blog.  He was the jock who needed help with dating.  I’ve helped him for a few months and boy oh boy, he has come a long way since then.  Let’s just say he’s been having some fun.

A lot of the concepts I teach in bootcamps or in private coaching sessions are stuff I’ve experienced and studied myself… and more importantly, stuff that I have experimented with by teaching it to friends to see how it affects their lives.  That’s how I know whether the stuff I talk about works or not.

Grab yourself a cup of coffee or whatever your favorite drink is before reading.

It is a long post but you have plenty of time!!!  You have all the time in your life actually because…  well… we ARE talking about life.

1:16:18 AM Manuel : we tend to get lazy
1:16:22 AM Manuel : in relationships
1:16:23 AM Manuel : men
1:16:30 AM Manuel : don’t you think
1:16:30 AM Khiem : no… I typically don’t
1:16:37 AM Manuel : hmm
1:16:39 AM Khiem : b/c I put a high emphasis on always appreciating
1:16:52 AM Khiem : if I keep the idea of rewarding her behaviors by showing appreciation in various forms
1:16:55 AM Khiem : it keeps her hooked
1:17:04 AM Khiem : so I may get lazy on initiating sex
1:17:08 AM Khiem : but I don’t get lazy in the relationship
1:20:35 AM Manuel : yes, I meant in terms of sex
1:20:45 AM Manuel : sometimes I feel like the fact that it is guaranteed
1:20:52 AM Manuel : makes us take it for granted a little bit
1:20:57 AM Khiem : well maybe for you
1:21:01 AM Khiem : I try to not take it for granted
1:21:01 AM Manuel : in relationships
1:21:03 AM Khiem : b/c I told you before
1:21:07 AM Manuel : hahaha
1:21:08 AM Khiem : if you don’t do the effort to keep her happy
1:21:09 AM Manuel : i know
1:21:14 AM Khiem : her eyes and heart will start to wander
1:21:19 AM Khiem : it’s your job to keep her hooked
1:21:19 AM Manuel : YOU are the Supafreak
1:21:31 AM Khiem : just as it’s her job to seduce us with her femininity
1:22:19 AM Manuel : makes sense
1:22:35 AM Manuel : do you feel that requires a lot of attention on the man’s part? (more…)

Most of you guys who’ve read David Wygant’s blog already know what David feels about Pickup Artists and their methods.  He doesn’t believe in them.

If you’ve read my blog for a while, I’ve already detailed many times what you can and can’t expect from PUA teachings.

It’s not that they necessarily don’t work.  Most of them are either childish, manipulative or plainly unnecessary (therefore, it takes you longer to get good with women)

Funny thing is David and I still receive a lot of emails from guys asking us the same question over and over again:

 “I recently read a book on xyz method.  I want to learn more about attracting women.  Do you think xyz method is a good starting point for those learning to attract women?”

 Well… before we even answer that question, let me ask you a few of my own: 

 What are you looking for?

• What kind of man are you?  Better… what kind of man do you want to be?  Are you wanting to be a Pickup Artist who speaks in pickup lingo to his friends and who always have to think of techniques every time he meets a women or do you want to be a the normal cool guy with whom women always look forward to meet up?               

• Where do you want to meet women?  A lot of the more funny, gimmicky methods out there are geared for you to use in high energy and loud environments such as bars and clubs.  It’s always good to learn how to have fun in any environments because the more you enjoy yourself, the more you project good vibes and the more attractive you become… however, do you really need to learn lines and games for you to know how to have fun?               

• What kind of women do you want to meet?  I’m not going to lie to you.  I’ve hung out with a lot of Pickup Artists and the types of women they attract are not the same kind of women I attract.  Enough said.  I like to talk to intelligent, caring, independent, emotionally stable and overall confident or self-made women. 
   
  When you read about a method, try imagining what kind of women would fall for those techniques.  I know a lot of PUA will tell you their stuff works on everyone but if you can feel something is fishy when you use some of their techniques or lines, the woman can too!  If they don’t say anything to point it out to you, it’s because they are letting you do your thing… because they already like you.  
   
  This is a huge topic of contention but when you go out using techniques, ask yourself:  how much is the woman liking me because of my use of techniques… and how much is it because she already likes me for who I am and for my energy or vibe?

• Do you see women as just an object to conquer and have sex with or do you truly enjoy and appreciate all that a woman can bring or contribute to your life?  This is not a criticism of ALL PUA methods but let’s be honest, a lot of these guys don’t actually like women.  They just want to bed them and as such, they have loose standards on what makes a woman worthy of the kind of man they are.  I personally don’t want to be with everyone out there.  There’re definitely a few women that I won’t associate myself with, no matter how hot they are.
    
• Do you want your world to center around women?  This is the biggest paradigm shift you have to accept.  The world of a PUA centers around women:  how to meet them, how to attract them, how to seduce them… how to chase them.
    
  Most of the “normal” men who I’ve seen naturally successful with women have their lives centered around what they are passionate about.  Women are a hobby.  These men don’t place their self-worth on the amount of women they have in their lives.  They place their self-worth on whatever activity they get fulfillment from. 

Therefore, if your goal is to learn how to attract women by being confident, by being you, you can skip a lot of the PUA methods out there.

The reason I have is very simple:  learn more about emotions and how emotions affect the woman and you’ll understand them better, connect with them better and in the end, attract them better.

You don’t need a method to learn how to do that.  Methods teach you a set of techniques and tactics.  Methods will give you a list of reasons on why their techniques work, how their techniques are based on the women’s needs and that’s why they successfully influence her emotions but I’ll be honest with you, their analysis is not always accurate.

There is no logic to emotions.

Even if your sole goal is to become a great womanizer, learn empathy and compassion.  Learn how to place yourself in her shoes so that you can understand her world.  By understanding her world, you will be able to navigate through her own emotional chaos and help her open up to you so she feels comfortable letting herself be seduced by you.

Instead of learning techniques A, B or C, instead of learning WHAT to do, LEARN HOW TO THINK about attraction, learn how to understand the emotions behind sexual arousal to make her feel desired, learn how to relate to the women’s needs and even more importantly, learn about yourself.

Attraction is about BEING attractive, not doing something attractive.

Real attraction starts from within because… (more…)

Neil “Style” Strauss, the self-proclaimed world’s greatest Pick-Up Artist (PUA) and author of “The Game,” launched his StyleLife Academy this past weekend.  The StyleLife Academy is basically an online program that give men personalized training to become good with women.  I will admit that this online PUA school is the most innovative idea to hit the Seduction Community since Erik “Mystery” Von Markovik  started to teach men live in-field through weekend bootcamps.  It is a positive step forward for men who suffer from severe lack of social skills and who need more personal attention that an instructor can ever give over the course of one weekend.  At $19.95/week, it is no small change for most young adults in their early 20s but it is a fair price that I’m sure the market can handle (which should add up to a nice little fortune for Mr. Strauss).

If you are curious about your potential to become a Pick-Up Artist, take their personal dating skills quiz.  What I found of greater interest is the article Style wrote about the Top 10 Mistakes Men Make When Approaching Women.  I’ve read it… and I read it again, then I realized that I broke most of his rules at some point when I was enjoying being a social butterfly. 

I don’t know about you but I have slowly learned that there aren’t any rules in the field of social dynamics that you can’t break or bend.  For every rule I read, all I can think of is:  why not?  What’s important is not what you can or cannot do, it’s how you do things.  Any “dos or do-nots” lists that you read on MSN or Yahoo dating sites are just mumbo jumbo that is prescribed by society.  Neil Strauss’ special report is no exception.  His article describes what I would call “best practices” for the aspiring PUA.  Each point he makes should be seen as a guideline, not a strict rule that you can’t break or bend.  Let me comment on what I feel is interesting to note in italics:

1. Don’t wait to approach her until she’s alone. Even if she likes you, her friends will soon drag her away.
Overall, good advice.  However, if you find yourself approaching her alone and her friend comes in to drag her away, it’s your job to introduce yourself to him/her first and pre-empt the drag away.

2. Don’t stare at her for more than three seconds before approaching. Hesitate, and you’ll either creep her out or psyche yourself out.
Staring for too long is bad, period.  If you’ve held a little bit of eye contact, it’s your cue to approach.  From time to time, it’s OK to watch from a distance in a non-intrusive way.  You can learn a lot by watching the circumstances of the person you are trying to approach.  Timing CAN be important.  However, this ONLY applies to someone who has no approach anxiety.  Most guys who have approach anxiety shouldn’t do it because they will talk themselves out of the approach.

3. Don’t be afraid to approach her just because there are men in the group. Often, you’ll discover that she’s with family, friends, or co-workers.
Absolutely!  Men are actually easier to approach than women so you should start with them.  Men typically don’t care who you are and what you look like.  As long as you are fun and cool, they’ll talk to you.

4. Never open a conversation by apologizing. Phrases like “Excuse me… “ “Pardon me… “ and “I’m sorry, but… “ make you sound like a beggar.
I don’t agree with this.  The first step to making a successful approach is getting your presence  acknowledged.  You can do this by a simple “hey!” or by calling attention to yourself by slightly touching the outside of their arm.  Using ”Excuse me…” is not optimal but is completely socially acceptable.  It is polite.  The key to doing this is to deliver it right.  You want to say your “Pardon me…” from a position of authority and high value.  Do not pause after it.  Go straight into your opening dialogue.

5. Don’t hit on her or give her a generic compliment. Instead, start a conversation with an entertaining anecdote or question, such as asking the group to suggest names for a three-legged cat or a store that sells 70’s memorabilia. It may sound corny, but everyone loves to give their opinion.
Generally speaking, it’s a bad idea to show excessive sexual interest in a woman too early because most guys do not know how to follow-up without being too nice.  However, don’t feel restrained by this rule.  Using a compliment as a sign of genuine interest can work just fine.  What you want to do after the compliment is to go directly into the personal and get the girl to commit back into talking to you.

6. Never, ever buy her a drink. You shouldn’t have to pay for her attention.
Agreed.  You don’t have to buy anyone a drink to buy their attention at the start of a conversation.  You can buy her a drink later if you are wanting to be friendly.  Just know that women have an unspoken rule about drinks.  If a girl likes you, she will buy you a drink.  If she doesn’t, she’ll let you buy her a drink.  This has been confirmed by many of my female friends.

7. Don’t touch or grab her right away. If she touches you, say, with a smile, “Hey now, hands off the merchandise.”
I personally hate that line.  I understand that you are trying to convey that you aren’t easy… but there are so many other things you can do that would show that.  If a girl touches me, I actually like it!  I want to reward that, not punish it.  When it’s you who want to touch her, don’t get all over her right away.  It’s better to start with casual and friendly touching.

8. Don’t lean in or hover over her. Stand up straight and, if the music’s too loud or she’s seated, simply speak up.
Yes, I agree but don’t take this to the other extreme either.  Leaning once in a while because you are REALLY interested in the conversation is a good sign that you are paying attention.  Women appreciate that.

9. Don’t ask her what her name is, what she does for a living, or where she’s from. She’s bored of talking about the same things with every new guy she meets.
Yes, and no.  You can ask these boring questions as long as they lead to interesting dialogue.  The way to do it is to always add value when you respond/relate to what she tells you.  Typically, limit yourself to 1-3 of them and if you can, don’t ask them all at the beginning.  Spread them out instead.  Asking/answering a few of these questions actually help you because the woman can easily identify you in her mind.  It makes her feel comfortable with who you are.  Obviously, there are a few better ways to do this as well.

10. Don’t focus all your attention on her when she’s with other people. If you win her friends over, you’ll win her.
Yes, always be social and friendly to everyone in her group until you decide to isolate her.  Having fun, making others have fun and making connections is always a win-win situation.

In short, Neil Strauss’ advice is solid but know that you can break or bend these rules at any given time as long as you do it right.  Your actions have to come from the right place. 

On a different note, I want a cool job (aka challenging and fun).  Anyone has something to offer?