I have a love and hate relationship with the PUA Summit.

On one hand, I love it!

It’s the one place where you can openly discuss dating and pickup with other similar minded people.  It’s the one event where you can meet and talk directly to the gurus you’ve learned and read from on the internet for years!

I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t admit that I learned a lot from it when I was still exploring the Pickup Community.

It’s thanks to the PUA Summit that I connected with Johnny Wolf, Vince Kelvin, Adam Lyons and other really nice guys!

This year, they had some of the big names again:  David Wygant, Adam Lyons, Speer, Asian Playboy, Hypnotica, Mehow, Daniel Rose, Bad Boy, Brad P., DJ Fuji and many more!  They even had Kosmo speak there.  If you forgot, he’s the season 2 winner of Mystery’s reality TV show “The Pickup Artist” on VH1.

No matter what you are expecting from a convention like this, you won’t be disappointed.  If you need a few new techniques to add to your arsenal of seduction skills, many of the speakers will share with you what they know.  If you wanted to ask some of them about your personal situation, you can get some quick Q&A in after each presentation.  If you just wanted to wrap yourself around the mindset behind how to be a cool and attractive guy, you’d get that too!

It’s at events like the PUA Summit that you can find out for yourself who’s the real deal.  Which guru do you connect and relate to the most?  How do you like their vibe?  How do you like how they carry themselves?  This is where you can find out if you really want to be like them, if you really want to continue learning from them.  Honestly, some of these gurus don’t have very good looking girlfriends.

Worse, I don’t know if I would consider some of these women “high quality”  (in the sense of… what do they bring to your life outside of sex and/or being your arm candy).

But again, I’m not judging here.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

The PUA Summit has matured a lot since its first year in 2007.   (more…)

So you’ve done all this “work.” You’ve gone from total loser to complete stud.

You walk slowly in the bar, you scan the room, a girl is checking you out. You half-smile back at her but you know not to eagerly walk up to her yet. She’s actually not the only one who’s been glancing at you ever since you stepped in. You have the choice. Hmmm… who are you going to pick tonight? There, that one! She’s sitting in the back corner talking to her friends. She’s pretty. Cute face, boobilicious body, curvacious hips. She notices you as you start walking to her. She pretends not to see you but you can tell she’s getting nervous as she realizes the prospect of meeting you.

You start the conversation with something you can’t even remember. Within minutes, all her friends love you. Her entire social circle is mesmerized by you. Without knowing why or how, she senses the sexual tension rising between you and her. She’s feeling a little bit flustered inside, maybe a little warm. With calm confidence, you pull her to the side. She smiles or laughs at the drop of your every word. She touches your arm and brushes herself against you. She tells you things she haven’t shared with many guys before. She really likes you. By the end of the night, you get her phone number. Maybe you’ve kissed her. Maybe you’ve made out with her. Maybe you’ve even slept with her.

Pick-up is easy for you now. If you wanted, the same scenario could play over and over again every night. Women call you non-stop to hang out with you. You have more dates than you even know what to do with. Now what?

You actually have a few girlfriends, some more serious than others. Some are actually so in love with you that they want a committed relationship from you. However, you don’t know if you can honor that commitment. Now what?

Let me tell you this. Don’t be afraid to go to the next level.

I see so many Pick-Up Artists working so hard at staying in the position to “have the choice in women.” After suffering so many years of not having any options, they are now constantly looking for new, better, hotter women. It’s like they collect them. They always need “one more.” I know… having someone new is fun. It’s like having a new toy every day. If that’s what you enjoy and want, keep playing the field. I respect that decision and you should stop reading now.

But if you are done sowing your royal oats, if you have now decided to find yourself a “real” girlfriend/wife or if you are not finding fulfillment in meeting more women, then ask yourself: what’s the point of having a choice in women if you don’t exercise that choice? How long are you wanting to stay unattached for? Do you want to be that creepy 65 year old man who’s still chasing after 3-4 women?

It’s time to look hard at what you have already. I am sure that some of the women you are seeing today are worth pursuing a real relationship with. Why aren’t you?

In pick-up, you learn to conquer your own fears and insecurities. Be that confident man, they say. Don’t let fear take over you when it comes to talking to a woman. Just approach and so… you’ve learned to overcome that anxiety. Well… now that you have the choice in women, what are you afraid of?

My roommate used to tell me:

In the end, you only need one woman to be happy.

I have a friend who was dating a wonderful girl. He met her only one month after taking his bootcamp with theApproach. He came to a dilemma that many Pick-Up Artists would eventually have to face. After a few months of dating, he sensed that she would soon want a committed relationship with him. She was hot, she was caring, she was fun, she was sexy and for a while, she did tolerate his uncommitted ways. Yes, she liked him a lot and so did he. But what was he to do: go exclusive with her or keep seeing other women?

At this moment, a lot of Pick-Up Artists would have chosen to break-up with the girl to maintain their position of choice. They prefer to break it off rather than become more attached to her. They don’t want to miss out on meeting and seeing other girls. Maybe they are afraid of liking that ONE girl too much. Maybe they don’t want to hurt her because she’s falling too in love with them and they don’t want that to get out of hand. Whatever.

My friend decided to give exclusivity a shot. It’s not like he couldn’t break-up with her later if things didn’t work out. When he made that decision, he wasn’t thinking marriage either but now, I can say he’s happier than ever. You should have seen the big smile he had at his wedding. He married her earlier this month. If he didn’t take the time to connect to her on a deeper level, he wouldn’t have realized how much she meant to him. When you are done with the thrills of “just sex,” only a committed relationship can allow you to grow on a deeper personal level. We sometimes forget to notice the very gem that is in front of us. If you have a quality woman in your life who is worth savouring, don’t let her slip you by.

So when the time comes, don’t fall for the fallacy of wanting more. Recall why you became a Pick-Up Artist in the first place. Wasn’t it to have the ability to eventually find that special someone? Look at Hugh Hefner. At 80 year old, even he is getting married again.

I am not asking you to settle down but if a girl feels right, stop looking around. Allow yourself to grow with her. Try things out.

Another friend of mine who has always been very successful with women reminded me of something I’ve told him in my college years. I didn’t remember it but it was something that have stayed on his mind for years:

On a deep emotional level, when you sleep with someone, you give away a little piece of your soul. Don’t spread your soul too thin.

Maybe there’s some truth to that.

Can you be happy with what you have?

A lot of people I’ve talked to don’t always understand Vin DiCarlo’s or theApproach’s precedence concept very well.  Precedence is very important in your ability to sustain healthy relationships.  Precedence is the art of managing the right expectations no matter the relationship.  If you’ve read Robert Cialdini’s ”Influence:  The Psychology of Persuasion” (referred to in my previous post),  you’ll recognize that precedence is based on the idea of consistency:  people want to behave in ways consistent to what they have committed to previously.  By understanding precedence, managing relationships becomes effortless. 

Precedence starts with you knowing what you want out of your relationships with people.  Be honest with yourself.  Are you looking for a friend, a business partner, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a fuck buddy, or a one-night stand?  Once you know how you want that person in your life, how are you communicating that to the other person and more importantly, how are you conditioning them to willingly continue to fulfill that role in your life?

It is important to realize that precedence is created from the very moment you meet a person.  Everything you do in the interaction with that person creates little rules in his or her mind on what they can expect out of you and vice versa.  This is one of the many reasons why it is so difficult for people to get out of the friend’s zone.  The friend you are now trying to attract romantically got used to a certain behavior from you.  If you want to become more than “just friends,” you need to alter your behavior enough to change his or her perception of you and create a new precedence.

Precedence is set in two stages: 
A.  Communicating your expectations
B.  Enforcing/Reinforcing your expectations

A.  Communicationg your expectations 

You can communicate your expectations: (1) overtly or (2) covertly. 

1.  Setting precedence overtly means that you verbalize your expectations through:

• Statements and Storytelling:  If you are familiar with Charisma Art’s Juggler Method, the Statement of Intent (SOI) is the perfect example of verbalizing overtly what you want out of people.  A statement like “I find [insert quality] very sexy in you” (for guys to use) or “I think that makes you hot” (for girls to use) indicates that you wish to start flirting and hope to establish sexual relationship with that person. 
   
  In relationships, some couples like to sit down and lay out verbal rules on what they both agree to accept and tolerate from each other.  This works very well and if you notice, corporations do the same thing when they hire you.  The first thing they teach you during new employee orientation is what is acceptable and what is not.
   
  If you are looking to have healthy multiple long-term relationships, Vin DiCarlo emphasized in his Dating Diablo program that “you must set a precedence of seeing other women from the get go.” 
    
  Kids are actually very good at creating precedence with verbal statements.  When they want something, they will say “I want my toy” and cry until they get it.  The crying reinforces the idea that they expect to get what they want.  In the end, many parents will bend to their kids’ will at the first sound of “I want…” in fear of dealing with the hassle of the kids crying.
   
  At a more advanced level, your statements would be incorporated within stories.  Telling a story on how you loved your ex-girfriend for being hard working in her career would show that you value ambition in a woman.  If your interlocutors relate your story back to themselves, they are admitting to having the same qualities.
   
• Screening Questions:  Screening questions are a more subtle way to verbalize your intent.  You can screen people for qualities you want in a person, based on the role you want them to fill in your life.  Let’s say you are looking for a romantic relationship and you want your partner to be caring, adventurous and independent.  You can ask questions such as: 
  - So would you consider yourself adventurous?
  - If you are adventurous, does that means you are also independent?
  - Interesting… are you more independent or are you more caring?  etc.
   
  If the person responds positively to your screening questions, you can now expect them to display the qualities they affirmed to possess around you.  theApproach calls this process Intention Mapping.

2.  Setting precedence covertly means that you express your expectations and intent through your behavior. 

A great example would be:  kisses on the cheeks.  When you kiss a girl on the cheeks during the first meet-up, she’ll remember that this is how you are.  The next time she sees you, she will come to expect and accept kisses on the cheeks from you.  However, if you start with a hug and switch to kisses on the cheeks later on, she’ll wonder if there’s a different intent behind the change.  If you get her used to kisses on the cheeks, you can also decide not to give her kisses on the cheeks to indicate that she did something to displease you.

Your beginning behavior towards a person creates precedence and your continued behavior reinforces the precedence you have already set.  This is a positive feedback loop.

B.  Enforcing/Reinforcing your expectations 

Now that you understand how to create precedence, you need to learn how to maintain good precedence.  Good precedence depends on how consistent your behavior aligns with the mutually-agreed expectations you have set.  The basic philosophy is:  reward good behavior and punish bad ones.  Surprisingly, a lot of people I have talked to misunderstand this line.  You should reward the behavior that reinforces the precedence and punish the ones that goes against it.  However, note that  “punishing bad behavior” also does not literally imply that you should confront someone and exert some form of punishment when they do something bad.  This is not the case at all! 

When you are in a fight, arguing only amplifies the negative topic.  Arguing sets up an antagonistic dynamic of “you vs. me.” It becomes a destructive power struggle of who is right and who is wrong.  As much as you want to work things out with your friends, lovers and partners, arguing is probably the least effective way to change someone’s behavior.  A friend of my roommate’s once said:

In my marriage, it really doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong in the end.  What matters is that you come together, see things from the same point of view and realize that you love each other.

Most of the time, arguing makes the other person feels unappreciated and bitter, which makes them associate the negative feelings to you.  Think about it.  After a fight, do you really remember what or why you argued in the first place?  Probably not.  As human beings, we are emotional creatures.  Emotions are stronger than facts.  We remember moments, not dates and times.  As such, the more you argue, the more a person will feel how much they don’t like you.

Rewarding good behavior and punishing bad ones is a conditioning process inspired by *gasp* animal training.  You want to reward and encourage the behavior you want while ignoring the ones you do not like.  The best form of reward is giving someone attention and affection.  You can do that physically with a hug, a kiss, even sex, or verbally with a compliment like “That’s so kind/sweet/thoughtful of you”.  A simple “I like that” (a la Juggler Method) can work just as well.  Reversely, the best form of punishment is asserting your position and ignoring the bad behavior.  Amy Sutherland wrote an entire article for the New York Times on how applying this principle helped her marriage.  Take a look:  ”What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage.” 

How does this apply in dating when your partner did something that you don’t like? 

Well let’s take a scenario of someone arriving late for a date.  Let’s assume that you agreed with your lover to meet at 3 pm to carpool and drive to the beach.  You are there, waiting for her.  You call her and she says she’s heading your way but you hear noise in the background.  You find out she actually hasn’t left the teashop she was hanging out at with her friends.  After 15 minutes of waiting, you call again.  She barely has left the teashop.  After a total of 45 minutes of wait, she arrives.  How do you apply the philosophy of “rewarding good behavior and punishing bad ones”?

The first thing you want to decide on is which precedence you want to enforce:  are you wanting her to be honest with you, or are you wanting her to arrive on time?

If you wanted to enforce her being more honest with you, you would say:  “Honey, I’m glad you finally got here but you should let me know next time if you are running late.  This way, I can run some errands and buy us food before leaving.  That would have saved us some time” and not ”Honey, why didn’t you tell me you were running late.  I was waiting for 45 minutes.  I could have bought us some food while waiting for you.”

Here is what you want to notice:

• I respond calmly because my internal emotional state is independent from external factors.  This is what Vin DiCarlo calls “warm dominance.”  If I had to use an imagery, you want to be like a bamboo tree.  No matter how hard the wind blows, you bend with it but you stay rooted where you are.  If you allow external factors to easily affect your emotional state, people know how to take advantage of you (and that’s unattractive).
• I reframed her undesirable behavior into something constructive.  I reinforce honesty by encouraging her to talk more to me and I give her a mutually beneficial incentive do so.  The more you respond to her in similar fashions, the more she will value honesty with you.
• Since I understand the concept of compliance ratio in attraction, I will ask her to invest more of herself in me by gradually asking for bigger favors throughout the date to make up for the long wait she put me through.
• Keeping my composure allows me to keep the mood focused around having fun together to build complicity.
• I would probably not give her excessive physical affection her right away (retract my attention from her back to neutral) to indicate that she did do something to displease me.  I will slowly show her more affection later on as she earns it back.

How would you correct a previously set precedence? 

If you want to change a precedence, all you need to do is to encourage the new set of behavior and provides new incentives for adopting the new set of behavior.  If you do it without pinpointing to the other person that there is a change in direction/preference, the transition should happen smoothly (even though not immediately).

That all, folks!  I hope I gave you guys a better understanding of precedence.  Have fun out there and bring love to the world   As usual, I look forward to your comments.  Oddly, it really makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside ^^