I guess I have been lucky.  For the past 9 months during which I have gotten slowly more immersed into the Seduction Community, I have mostly hung out with “naturals” (guys with generally good social skills and assumed to be naturally good with women ), guys who treat pickup as an extension of their social skillset and “natural game” students.  However lately (and probably because of my blog), I have met more and more guys who come from an indirect method background, guys who practice NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) and even guys who are truly intent on learning pickup for the sole purpose of picking up women and maximizing their chances in having sex with them as quickly as possible.  This exposure has given me a greater appreciation for the diversity found in the Seduction Community but is also alluding me to a much darker side.

Call me naive, but when I was surrounding myself with guys who treat pickup as a hobby, I only saw the positive side of the Community.  It was the side that was focused on self-improvement and becoming a better person in order to better the world.  It was about creating a lifestyle where women would be drawn to you naturally because of the value you bring to their life.  It was about communicating who you are genuinely and confidently.  After meeting more PUAs through the SoCal Lair, I am painting a new side to this picture.  This side have guys wanting to improve themselves as well but unlike the first group, they are focused on becoming better to gain something for themselves.  They want to reach a specific goal (usually getting the girl) and will go to any length to get there.  Sometimes, their goal involves creating a name for themselves in order to feel worthy in life.

I am not implying that getting the girl is a negative endeavor, but the first group realizes that getting the girl is a by-product of being good to yourself and adding value to the world.  Getting the girl is part of a bigger process in which sustaining a fulfilling relationship with a woman is the goal.  The second group seems to be more focused on the short term and looks directly for tactics and techniques to get the girl.  I am not going to discuss what I imagine as the dark side of PUA right now (Neil Strauss talked about it in his book The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists and Tynan “Herbal” also mentioned it towards the end on his interview with Pickup Podcast), but I do recognize two very different kind of men:

1. Guys who are process-oriented
2. Guys who are result-oriented

Most of my friends fall under the first category.  They typically foster a lifestyle in which they show passion and devotion for something outside of pick-up.  These guys are always fun to be with.  What I find exciting about them is that they care for you as a person.  When you meet them, they have a genuine interest in getting to know you.  They get very curious about your life experiences.  If they want to hang out with you, it’s because they find you cool and you can both chill with each other regardless of whether you talk to new women or not.  For them, socializing is about having fun first, and then extending the fun vibe to the people around them.  With this focus, it becomes very easy to approach women and for women to approach them.  When talking about pickup, the topic of women is spoken about in a very casual manner and the philosophy behind seduction tends to be treated with more importance than the techniques themselves.  Pickup itself is not a big deal and everything flows easily.

When I meet PUAs who are more result-oriented, I always feel a little bit awkward with them.  Maybe it’s their vibe but they don’t show as much interest in me as a person.  When they talk to me, I feel like they are trying to use me.  They want to see if they can take advantage of any value I may have to offer.  They want to find out if they can learn something from me and if not, they want to see if they can raise their status/social proof by having me around.  The interaction has a totally self-serving underlying intent.  When going out, they solely find joy in approaching women and  I could never see myself being able to just chill with them for a long period of time because most conversations revolve around pickup techniques.  Pickup is a big deal to them!  If I show any anxiety in wanting to talk to a woman, they would use tough love to motivate me into action way more than use words of encouragement.

Maybe I’m biased but being too result-oriented feels unhealthy.  A common saying is popping in my mind right now:  “Life/Happiness is a journey, not a destination.”  I shared these thoughts with my friend “the Scribe” on a late night session of instant messaging.  Unexpectedly, he confessed to me that for a while, he shied away from the Seduction Community because he had only met guys who didn’t know how to appreciate him on a personal level.  Everything these guys did with him was for pickup related reasons.  It’s like he was “being gamed” by them.

I understand that there’s a time to be process-oriented and a time to be result-oriented.  You actually need both and I know why it’s so easy to become result-oriented.  Guys just want to see positive results to prove to themselves that they’re actually internalizing what they’re learning.  However I believe it’s important to realize that the path to PUA mastery still require us to master the basics which lies in our ability to connect and leave a positive impression on just about anyone.  Be personable!  The better we project our personality outward, the better responses we are going to get.  And what’s a better way to do it than show how we are genuinely interested in the person we are interacting with?  Once the other person feels that we like them for who they are, it’s a lot easier to seduce or convince them to do something for us.  That’s the law of liking/friendship with a hint of the law of reciprocity from Robert Cialdini’s “Influence:  The Psychology of Persuasion.”

No matter what the mainstream press may say, I still believe in the goodness of the Pickup Community.  I have seen many guys’ social and romantic lives change for the better as they embark on this journey into PUA-dom, but there are a few people… I just can’t hang out with.

A month ago, Asian Playboy (APB) came to Los Angeles to give a free seminar to the SoCal Lair.  If you don’t know what a lair is, a lair is a social group/club through which Pick Up Artists (PUAs) come to meet and learn from each other.  Unbeknownst to the masses, there are PUA lairs in just about any major city in the world.  They range from the small under-the-radar Yahoo! groups to the very organized forums/websites like the NYC Lair.  If you are curious, go check the Bristol Lair’s lair list to see if a lair already exists in your city or not.  I can’t vouch for the accuracy or comprehensiveness of the list.

04/19/2007, 7 pm:  I was stoked!  Not only would it be my first time meeting people in a lair, but I’d also get to meet Asian Playboy himself.  Many years ago, I used to read his blog avidly.  Being Asian and all, I could identify with him easily as I read about the challenges he faced when he started his journey on becoming a Pick Up Artist.  I was curious to finally gauge for myself the kind of man he was.

So I drove to the Ramada hotel where the presentation was being held.  As I walked in the room a few minutes late, everyone looked at me with big curious eyes.  Wow!  Did I have a zit on my face or something?  Hmmm… I’m pretty sure I washed my face before I came.  I waved at some of the guys I invited, then I turned around to check on my guest.  OooooOOoooh, THAT’s who everyone was looking at.  Yes, I brought in a girl.  She was the only girl in the room.  She walked in, dressed in red shirt with a black business-like skirt and jacket.  All the guys seemed mesmerized by her.  To me, it looked as if I just brought in candy to a room full of kids.  In this sea of mostly Asian men, she was the elusive “White Woman.”

I sat down with her near the back of the room and we exchanged a quick chuckle.  I liked how comfortable she was at being the only woman in the room.  I did warn her of that possibility before inviting her to the meeting, but she was handling herself admirably.  Asian Playboy wasn’t there yet so after a few minutes, a tall guy came to talk to her.  It was funny.  He was trying to run some game at her.  I didn’t want to disturb his interaction because I knew how much courage it took for some guys to walk up and start a conversation with a random woman, but once in a while, I couldn’t help but lean in to listen.  He fumbled a few times when he sensed my watchful eye, but he did alright.  She knew what was going on.  I have taught her a few things about the Community.  She glanced at me, I looked back at her, we smiled.  I admit:  she definitely had the cute librarian look going for herself that day, especially when she pulled out her glasses.   

Asian Playboy (APB) finally walked in with his trusted sidekick Toy Machine.  He carried with him a confident, almost arrogant demeanor.  The man wasn’t very tall.  Physically, I would consider him average, but for every negative point you could come up with regarding his natural looks, he made up for it in style.  He definitely didn’t look like the asexual shy Asian male often portrayed in American television.  Asian Playboy was the perfect example of Vin DiCarlo’s use of contrast to create intrigue:  “defy categorization and create massive amounts of intrigue by manufacturing a perceived ‘contrast’ between your stereotypical image and the way you present yourself.”  The black and red leather jacket he wore perfectly matched his red highligted hair.  He was a “bad boy.”  His vibe was dominant.  He seemed dangerous yet fun… I bet any women he came across with could sense that too.

Toy Machine was a younger version of APB.  He had this “Punk Rock” allure to himself with his wild hairdo and lip piercings.  He dressed mostly in black, with some dark jeans and a spiked belt.  As I watched them walk to the front of the room, I couldn’t help but wonder if Asian Playboy was cloning himself in Toy Machine.  After the introduction pleasantries, the presentation started.

Asian Playboy covered the racial aspects of dating.  He started with an explanation of his ABC’s of Attraction (Approach, Buying Temperature, Comfort, Direct Interest, Escalate/Extract, Fuck/Fun) and gave an overview of his attraction switches (divided in Money, Power and Charisma).  As I listened intently to him, I could tell he was a little bit nervous.  He stood far from the audience, close to the front wall and behind the podium.  I guess being a great Pick Up Artist doesn’t necessarily make you a great presenter.  Nonetheless, he had some very interesting points to make:

• You need to be able to create both emotional and physical comfort with women for pick-up to work.
• Living the pick-up lifestyle takes a lot of hard work:  being good with women is different from being a true Pick Up Artist. 
• Pick-up is like an endurance game:  “You don’t have to be great, you just have to stick in.” 
• Most white women have never dated an Asian man. 
  • Deselection by ignorance:  the type of man a woman dates is based on her memory, but it does not mean that she will not date outside of her type.  This is an attainability issue because the woman does not know how it would feel to date an Asian man.  It is the man’s responsibility to make himself attainable by showing commonalities and accessibility.
  • Deselection by negativity:  a woman may not be attracted to you because of the negative stereotype she attaches to you (based on arbitrary physical traits – color, weight, penis size, etc… – aka racism).
  • Deselection by physical incompatibility:  a woman will gauge you based on your ability to protect her (think of body build and height).  If a woman feels safe around you, she will let herself become more attracted to you. 
  • Deselection by cultural incompatibility:  Can she fit in your family, your lifestyle, your social circle?  In terms of language and accent, can she understand you?  Can she understand your humor?  Do you have good language proficiency, including the use of slang?
  • Sexual deselection: Sexual anxiety is different from approach anxiety.  Sexual anxiety is when you are afraid of escalating physically with a woman due to inexperience and hesitation.  (I didn’t completely agree with his idea of making 1000+ approaches to overcome approach anxiety.  Desensitizing yourself from fear is one way to do it, but I think it can be combined with other inner game work to accelerate your success in overcoming that sticking point).
• When opening, your focus should not be on what to say.  “Hi” is the oldest pick-up line in the book and can work just fine.  A successful pickup is dependent on you having a good follow-up.  It’s more important for you to know how to open and have a good follow-up than it is to think of what to say.
• You can not be successful with rapid kino escalation if you are waiting and looking for IOIs (Indicators of Interest) from the woman.  You have to be confident with where you are leading the girl.  Obviously, choosing a woman who shows signs that she is heads over heels for you will give you a greater success rate. 
• General kino lasts 1 second (ex: high five, handshake).  Sexual kino lasts longer (ex: rubbing, tracing of the finger).
• If you go in for a kiss and she turns her cheek, don’t take it as an obstacle.  You can start kissing her cheek, then  ear and neck.  You have done more in one move than what one kiss could have given you.

Overall, I really enjoyed APB’s presentation.  I can see how students speak so highly of him as a dating coach.  I particularly liked his breakdown of attraction switches because it gave a lot of insights on the universal or specific values that a man can cultivate in his life to become more attractive.  However, I was a little bit turned off by his focus on the kind of obstacles a minority man need to overcome to attract white women (this is what his deselection switches were about).   

I agree that there are many personal prejudices/preferences that a woman may hold which could work against attraction-building attempts.  I definitely want to be aware of them but instead of figuring out preventive counter-measures to why things wouldn’t work out between her and me, wouldn’t it be more effective for me to concentrate on projecting a strong vibe, being comfortable with the value I have (aka being proud of the unique individual I am) and allow the woman to see herself benefitting from interacting with me?  Asian Playboy briefly alluded to it but theApproach and Charisma Arts talk more about it:  take a proactive approach in demonstrating good value and attainability, but more importantly, be genuinely comfortable with who you are and communicate that well.  My motto on this subject would be:  if I’m cool with it, she’ll be cool with it.

To counter racist remarks such as the penis size question, APB gave some funny lines to use even though he admitted there were no good ways to win that argument:

HER:  My Chinese girlfriend said that Asian guys have small dicks, what do you have to say about that?
HIM:  Even a 747 looks pretty small when compared to the Grand Canyon.
or
HIM: It’s not that Asian guys have small dicks, it’s just that white girls have pretty big pussies.

I found APB’s take on racism interesting because it reminded me of a guy who asked me privately on the Natural Game Forums:  “Do you think there are any differences for Asian guys?  Do we need to do anything differently?”  When he read APB’s blog, he was under the impression that “being Asian makes everything harder.”  My answer is:  yes and no.

Being Asian is harder if you believe it to make things harder.  Your belief system is what makes things harder, not the actual fact that you are Asian.  To me, racism is a filter or a lens you decide to view your world through.  You literally choose to see it or not see it.  If you don’t like what you see, change the lens.  Change your belief!  The more you believe in the existence of racism, the more you will find occurences of racism in your life to reinforce your current view of the world.  In other words, the world is your mirror.  If you’ve watched The Secret, you can consider this an effect of the law of attraction.  Let me explain.

According to www.dictionary.com, racism is:

rac·ism   [rey-siz-uhm] 
-noun
1. a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one’s own race is superior and has the right to rule others. 
2. a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination. 
3. hatred or intolerance of another race or other races. 

So what am I to do about it?  From my experience, racism stems from a person’s misunderstanding, misconception or plain ignorance about another culture.  No matter where I live, there are lots of things that I could construe as racism, but that’s not where I put my energy and thoughts in.   I am lucky to have been raised and exposed to international influences but I understand that most people haven’t.  When people meet me and treat me poorly, I don’t go home, cry and call foul play.  I think to myself:  they-just-don’t-know-any-better so it is my job to be gracious enough to enlighten them whenever I can and treat them with kind respect.  When someone has a negative stereotype of me, it is my opportunity to become the spokeperson for my race and show them differently.

How does this translate in pick-up?  Well, being Asian does not necessarily make things harder, it makes things different.  I currently hang out with more white girls than with Asian girls.  No matter my color, I work with strengths and weaknesses similar but different to the man next door.  When it comes to attraction, just like him, I am working with:  what is my value and how do I make it enticing/attainable?  I can’t turn a blind eye to racism but I don’t have to let it affect me.  Racism is technically not my problem, it’s their problem in the sense that they are the ones having an issue with the kind of person I am…  but at the same time, racism is my fault if I’m helping perpetuate the stereotype.  Go read Dan Rose’s “How to Overcome Asian Sexual Stereotype” article on APB’s blog for more insights on the topic.

So let’s look at the penis size question again.  Is it a racist comment?  Is it a shit test?  Maybe.  No matter how I feel about it, I don’t have to take it personally but I can look at it as a window of opportunity to push the interaction forward.  Any negative statement can become a window of escalation.  Think about it:  are you that uncomfortable with what other people think or say about you that you feel the need to deflect negativity with a cocky or funny response?  Unless you tell me otherwise, I can’t change my penis size but I can assert how comfortable I am with my body.  With an even tone, I would simply say:

Well, I have never really compared myself with another man before so I really don’t know.  Would you like to see? [give her a light smile, take her hand and lead her to isolation]

Once you stop giving excuses for the way you are, you can behave as freely and confidently as you want to be… and THAT is attractive!  On the grand scheme of things, my chosen behavior reinforces my desire to create good precedence with people around me:  reward good behavior and punish bad ones.  In the case of managing negative comments, I prefer to assert my position/disapproval and ignore ensuing remarks rather than avoid the issue altogether by using aggressive (fight instinct) or funny (flee instinct) comments.  

Looking back, I think that’s one of the many things I learned from Sebastian during his theApproach L.A. bootcamps over winter:  any excessive amount of effort you put in deflecting a negative comment only amplifies it.

In the same way of thinking as Vin DiCarlo or Wayne “Juggler” Elise: 
* Can you truly embody warm dominance/alpha nice-ness? *