If you have been reading seduction or dating books for a while, you’ll notice that there’s a lot of similar but different structures when it comes to what is considered the best way to attract a woman.  After talking with my friend Pastiche, I think I have simplified my personal methodology to:  approach and escalate.  I know it sounds simple, but it really covers everything I should be focused on and what I should be doing when I meet a beautiful woman who turns me on. 

In his ebook “The Secrets of Female Sexuality.” David Shade claimed that the true intent of a man towards a woman is to “bring out the decadent, primal, carnal, insatiably hungry, ruthlessly expressive natural sexual woman in her” because the true nature “of all interactions between a man and woman who just met is sexual, plain and simple.”  He continues with something very profound:

Don’t think about getting sex. Instead, think about giving her really good sex.

This mentality alone will probably make any man more successful in his interactions with women.  By not trying to get anything from the woman, he will become free of approach anxiety and outcome dependence.  Furthermore, the intent David Shade describes truly underlines the need for creating and maintaining sexual attraction when developing a fulfilling relationship with a woman.

When I go out and socialize, I still believe in and follow the principles of VAC, but I am going to adopt “Approach and Escalate” as my new mantra for dating. 

By the way, all articles ever written by theApproach have been compiled in a centralized website at www.asktheapproach.com.  It’s probably one of the best resources out there if you are interested in learning natural game, so check it out! 

Anyway, here is a little more explanation on my little mantra:

Approach

• Approach implies action:  walk and talk to the girl.  Don’t think too much and don’t allow yourself to succumb to approach anxiety.  I actually found this video from Victor Malvado helpful if you tend to freeze in your approach attempts.  You can also read my post on the topic here.
• During the approach, have a warmly dominant and friendly vibe.  Be aware of the non-verbal communications you project (posture, tonality, mannerisms…etc).  The reason I say “warmly dominant” is because I want to convey a little bit of sexual presence.  I do not need to impress or entertain the girl for her to like me (+V).  However, I do want to check if the girl is worth my time (+C).
• Being friendly really means being approachable (+A).  I don’t want the girl to feel intimidated by me. 

Escalate

• If you see attraction as a process like I do, then you will realize that a woman will feel attracted to you through constant escalation efforts.  Always push the interaction as far as you can (Continuous Flow of Action).  The focus is always on having fun and bringing pleasure to the senses (+V).
• Escalation covers both physical and psychological/emotional/intellectual arousal.
  1.  To have physical arousal, first create comfort with incidental touching then use the Vin DiCarlo Escalation Ladder to move up smoothly to more sensual kino.
  2.  To create and build up psychological/emotional/intellectual arousal, juggle between trust and comfort and arousal/sexual tension during conversations (rapport is pre-built in all dialogues).  Trust and comfort can be achieved through relating to her stories and using disqualifications.  Slowly opening up and talking about yourself will also allow the woman to feel comfortable with who you are as a man (think credibility and attainability, +A). 
• From there, continue arousal through intrigue (+C) and complicity (+A).  There are many ways to create intrigue:  light Cocky & Funny comments, verbal reward and statements of intent (SOI), entertaining games or cold reads, push/pull flirtatious comments, sexual barriers, sexual tension, etc.  You don’t want to pull out all your cards at once.  Make sure the woman commits into wanting to know you as you open up (compliance ratio concept).
• Complicity reinforces that we should be together.  It is about developing an emotional/sexual connection.  You want to setup a “you and me VS. world” dynamic into the interaction.  It helps balance the right amount of collaborative teasing and push/pull to avoid killing the attraction when you go overboard (theApproach’s Wiley E. Coyote effect).
• By constantly escalating, you keep the interaction interesting and you avoid the platonic zone.  Escalating is similar to adding value to a conversation.  She never knows what will happen next because of the level of uncertainty you create in the interaction.  There’s a sense of discovery and curiosity.  It’s exciting!
• Escalating also means you have to lead.  Noticing Indicators of Interest (IOIs) is nice way of keeping track of the woman’s attraction level to you but in the end, you should always be the one taking the initiative.  Things won’t happen until you take a step forward.
• Not noticing and seizing windows of opportunity for escalation may also seriously trump the attraction a woman may feel for you.  She may start questionning whether you have feelings for her and may stop showing signs of interest in you.  This leads to a loss of sense of attainability for her.

How do I become good at escalating?

Most guys actually have good enough verbal game to create comfort and trust (for credibility and respect purposes).  What they really lack is the confidence to convey sexual interest to the woman in order to push the interaction forward.  I have seen guys with little or no sexual experience do very well in attracting the girl but they are unable to go past that because they don’t know how to turn things sexual (either getting the woman sexually comfortable or sexually aroused with them).  To overcome that fear, Pastiche shared with me how:

It’s about certainty. Doing things 100% certain or doing things in spite of uncertainty… or reducing the uncertainty.

Unfortunately, that kind of confidence is built from experience.  You have to take a risk and try things out.   If the fear is too deep, learn as much as you can about sex.  Just having a knowledge of what to do will alleviate the anxiety to escalate.  Go read books/websites on the topic or better, watch instructional videos on how to kiss properly and how to perform basic sexual deeds (porn does not count, but you can look for videos from Nina Hartley’s Guide to [...] collection, Art of Kissing, Ideagasms, Sensual Awakening or other documentaries).   There are some free resources available such as www.sexuality.org, www.wikiafterdark.com and some not so free like www.loversguide.com.

A lot of time, guys also psych themselves out by making the first kiss a bigger deal than it is.  Kissing is important.  It’s usually the first step towards intimacy but in all seriousness, kissing is about physical comfort with one another.  Kissing does not equate to physical arousal until you both make out. 

Anyway, once you start kissing and making out consistently with girls, you will wonder why you have waited so long   That alone will give newbies more motivation to push the interaction as they can every time they go out.

What is your take on attraction and sexual tension?

For me, attraction is the process in which your partner discover reasons to like you.  On the other hand, sexual tension is the arousal state when your partner likes you enough to want to fuck you.  Vin DiCarlo has a pretty elaborate post on that very topic and describes how to create it.  Dan Rose also commented further on his blog.

If you continuously escalate, you will create both attraction and sexual tension.  After that, on with the fun!

Everytime I see my Dad, I love listening to him.  He can make any story come alive.  No matter the topic, I get completely captivated by him.  When I was a kid, I used to hear about fiery dragons and knights in shining armor.  Nowadays, I hear about the crazy people he had to deal with during his run-abouts.  All in all, he’s just a damn great storyteller.  The only bad thing is:  I hate talking to him!  I can’t seem to have decent conversations with him.  You see… the art of conversation is completely different from the art of storytelling.

• Conversation is the interchange of views, ideas, thoughts, feelings, facts and data by spoken words.  The goal is to share information.  When I am in a business meeting with senior executives, I want to “conversate” well.  I want to give them the facts as clearly and as concisely as possible so that they can make an informed decision.  A good conversation does not have a purposeful ending.  As long as I have something of value to exchange or add, a conversation can go on forever.
• Storytelling is the use of words, images and sound to depict real or imagined events.  Ideally, a good story can spark interest, add variety, and change the pace of a discussion.  The goal is to convey and stir up emotions or feelings.  When I am meeting people socially, I want to tell stories well.  I can choose to share information through my stories but it is less important for the person I am speaking with to know the correct facts to my story as it is for him/her to see the morale of my story.  A good story has a punch line or a message that the listener can root for.  It has a conclusion.

So why am I making this distinction?  Because I feel that any aspiring Pick-Up Artist (PUA) need to be skilled in both storytelling and conversation:  storytelling first, conversation second. 

Storytelling skills improve your attraction/seduction capabilities.  By learning to be a good storyteller, you can turn even the most mundane conversation into something exciting and fun.  Banter, flirting and role playing all fall under your storytelling skillset.  In the VAC model of attraction, storytelling skills would increase your perceived value (+V).

Conversational skills are about developing rapport with another person.  Friends typically can have hours long conversations because they are comfortable sharing all sorts of information tidbits about their life to each other.  In the VAC model of attraction, conversational skills would increase your value minimally but would increase your attainability significantly (+A).

When I fail to get into or stay in conversation with someone, I know that I am not talking enough.  I am probably trying too hard to look or sound cool; so instead of just talking, I lock up and become guarded.  When I run out of things to say, I know that I am not listening enough.  The other person surely is giving me something to talk about.  I just don’t recognize or know how to capitalize on the opportunities to respond back.

The way to become good at conversation is to always add value to the interaction (+V) and to not cling on the desire to being  always right.  I cannot stress this enough!!!  Conversation is about sharing information.  Open up and learn from new viewpoints without trying to judge too fast.

Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open.  You’re able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment.
– Ralph Marston

To add value into the interaction, Charisma Arts fans will tell you to talk more in the “I-perspective” (first person perspective) because you want to give the other person enough material to relate to.  From there on, your interlocutor can pick and choose which direction to lead the conversation to.  In short, share more about yourself so that both parties can feel comfortable opening up.  Niels Hoven from PU101 has the following great example in his article describing conversation as a tree:

Her: Do you have any siblings?
Bad answer: Yes, I have a younger sister.
Good answer: Yes, I have a younger sister. We weren’t that close when we were young, but we’re really close now (+V). She came out to visit me in San Francisco last year (+V) and we spent all day at the zoo just talking (+V).

On the other hand, when I can talk comfortably with someone but I don’t sense any sparks of attraction, I probably am not making the interaction fun enough.  I am most likely just relating to the topics at hand without investing my own feelings into them.  That’s when I want to use my storytelling skills to stir up  and convey emotions so that I get the satisfaction of seeing him/her hang on my every word.  LOL, yes I know… I am vain like that .  To be a good storyteller, you want to master all aspects of your delivery.  Here are a few tips, starting with tone and pace:

1. If you are a man, speak with deeper tone.  There’s a certain sexiness to the resonance of a manly voice. 
2. More importantly, slow down.  Slowing down helps your listener process your story better.  At the same time, speaking slower gives you the opportunity to speed up if you want to give the sense that something exciting is about to happen. 
3. Use pauses.  Pausing allows the listener to stop you to comment or ask questions.  Getting the listener to participate in such ways get them emotionally invested in your story (+C).
4. Use interjections to convey emotions instead of describing them.  “Oh Mother of God, don’t let me hurt myself!” is a lot better than “I jumped down the cliff and felt so scared inside.”
5. Have a punch line or message.  A story is meant to prove or illustrate something.  By the end of your story, I shouldn’t ask:  what was that all about?  Even role playing and flirting/bantering need to follow this rule.  For example, if I role play a “lovers reunited” scenario, I’m illustrating that the woman and I have chemistry together.  This presumes that she and I developed a certain level of complicity with each other before I even start the role play.  If I did this with a complete stranger within 5 seconds of meeting her and my body language, eye contact or vibe didn’t project that complicity, the role play will fall flat.  Most girls will not get it.  It is not situationally relevant.
6. Be concise.  A story should be short and sweet to get your message and feelings across, so cut down the amount of words you use and get rid of any facts that are not relevant to the point you are trying to make.  You shouldn’t be describing the next novel you are writing.

Now, let me give you an example of how to tell a good story.  Last week, one of my friends asked me to review his DHV (Demonstration of Higher Value) story.  Just as a side note, I don’t believe anyone should ever have to demonstrate higher value to anyone.  You want to show that you have value in your life, but not necessarily HIGHER value… Anyway, that’s the topic for another post.  This is what he wrote:

I’m from L.A.  I never really got into winter sports. What I do love is water sports. I used to have a jet ski and every weekend during the summer, I’d be out at Lake Castaic with my friends. We’d usually stay the whole day, bar-b-que, and stop off for ice cream at the near-by Fosters Freeze on the way back. I also love white water rafting.  I went on a trip with my school a while back and we rafted through Yosemite.  I was on the first raft.  We went through a rapid called the Fluffy Bunny.  I laughed but the guide told me “Hey, don’t laugh, the bunny’ll get ya.”  We paddled hard and fast and missed a rock by INCHES!  I was pretty freaked out, I thought we were going to capsize… in which case, me being a good swimmer wouldn’t help me much.  I’d be more worried about hitting a rock.  However, we made it through fine.  We were celebrating our victory and I look back just in time to see the second raft completely capsize.  The guide told us not to panic or jump in after them but we rowed close and helped them get their raft upright and got them all in the raft. Good thing it was near the end anyway.

This is how I rewrote his story.  I kept the essential elements of his story and amplified the emotions where I could, all while cutting down on all unecessary facts.

I’m from L.A.  I never really got into winter sports. What I DO love is… water sports. I used to jet ski every weekend with my friends during summer.  It was great fun times!  However, my biggest adventure was going white water rafting.  Do you know how that FEELS? (pause/vacuum). Last time I went, it was in Yosemite to go down this river called Fluffy Bunny (she smiles/chuckles).  Hey… don’t laugh!  That’s what I did when I first heard of it, but I’m telling you… the bunny will get ya!  I thought the guide was exaggerating but wow, we really had to padde hard to make it through.  We missed a rock by INCHES!  All I could think off was:  Plllleeeaaaze let’s not capsize!  As scary as it was, it was the most exciting time EVER! The funniest part is that after we got through, we looked behind us just in time to see the 2nd raft capsize. OMG… classic!  I’m glad I wasn’t in THAT raft

Tell me:  which story do you prefer? 

Oh… and if you like short stories, I highly recommend reading The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.  Depending on the edition you buy, it’s about 96 pages with lots of pictures.  There are so many things I learn from it every time I read it.  The last time I browsed through it, I noticed that a lot of the themes in the book referred to our inability to get in touch with our inner desires and inner self.  As adults, we think too much and I believe that many Pick-Up Artists in training would benefit from the read.  I don’t want to spoil your enjoyment of the story any further so make sure to check it out.  If needed, I’m sure you can find online versions of the book that you can flip through like here, here or here. 

P.S.:  If you liked my previous How to Be Happy and Chanve Your Life post, my friend Drew (a Visual Communication Technology major from Bowling Green State University in Ohio) just created this neat one-page summary that you can print out.  Grab it and have fun!

Have you ever asked yourself:

• What’s in it for me?
• Can I get that?
• How is that (value) good for us?
• Why should I care?
• Does he/she like me back?
• What is our return on investment (ROI)?
• Do we have the resources to do that?
• Can I afford that?
• How easy is it to learn?
• How difficult is it to implement?
• Would he/she go out with me?

These are questions that people answer everyday.  Most of the time, we do it subconsciously.  We do it e-v-e-r-y time we plan on investing a significant amount of energy, resources or time into something.  Is the something we want within our reach?  Is it worth it?  Is it achievable?  Today, I am talking about… Attainability.

We seem to understand the concept of attainability instinctively when we are about to purchase something of great value because we can clearly visualize the relationship between value and cost/price.  However, for some odd reason, no one ever thinks of it when we are wanting to design or sell something.  For example:

• In product development, most engineers focus more on how many new features and functionalities they can add to the list, rather than making the current product work better for the customer.
• In adverstising, many marketers will think of additional ways to showcase the various functions of their product, rather than explaining how the product fulfill their customers’ needs better than the competition.
• In presentations, the speaker will sometimes present his facts without addressing enough the reason why that piece of information is imporant and why the audience should care about it. 

Fortunately, business people have caught on quickly to this lack of understanding in the proper use of attainability.  Today, website designers study web usability.  Salesmen learn about identifying and matching products to customers’ needs instead of using hard sales tactics.  Online marketers use web analytics to quantify the best methods to reach new consumers.  Advertisers pay attention to product placement. 

But what about attainability in the dating world?  Aren’t we trying to sell ourselves to the opposite sex?  Has any of us thought about making ourselves attainable to the kind of men and women we want in our lives?  It seems that most men and women who are unsuccessful in relationships constantly want to show more and more of their value to create those sparks of attraction.

Society would want us to believe that we need to impress our partners for them to like us.  We want to be more handsome/beautiful, more fit, more confident, have more money, have a better car, a bigger house, be funnier so that we can attract the opposite sex.

In that same logic, how many times have you heard people talk like this:
I drive a BMW…. Oh yeah, I own this house on the lake…  Yesterday, I was hanging out with celebrity xxx…  I usually go in all the clubs for free… 

• Are these statements by themselves attractive?  NO!  They are not, unless you can show how those values can translate to being good for the person you are talking with. 
• Would adding a sense of attainability be better?  I’d love for you to join me this summer at my lake house…  I think celebrity xxx would love to meet you…  We should go to the club together sometimes.  It’ll be fun!  I know the bouncer…

So if you are trying to date TODAY,  don’t focus so much on increasing your value, look for ways to convey more attainability.  You already have plenty of value as a person.  You are already attractive!  If you have things going on for yourself, then you hold within you all the life experience you need to make yourself unique and beautiful.  The question is:  what is your value and can the men and women around you see that?

To steal a line from Troy, a Charisma Arts instructor: “Give the men/women around you the opportunity to pick you up.”

Don’t misunderstand me.  I am not saying that you should not strive to continuously improve the value you have in life by doing, achieving and accomplishing more.  You should also not neglect how you present your value to the world (dress nice enough, have a life…etc).  However, what I am saying is that when you meet that hot guy/girl, you can’t increase your current inherent value.  You may increase the perception of your existing value by being funnier than you typically are, by being nicer than you usually are, by dressing way better than usual, by entertaining them with magic tricks… etc., but for what purpose?  Are you trying to impress him/her or are you trying to truly attract him/her for who you are?

People have been conditioned to always want more.  We are bombarded by false advertisements that claim the latest new gadgets will help us do or get more.  But is it what we need?  Do I really need a bigger penis?  Do I really need bigger boobs?  All those things are nice but if we are solely thinking in those terms, we are setting our dating life for failure.  We don’t need our lover to be more handsome, funnier, wealthier (though that can help if it fulfills a certain need).  We need them to fit our psychological and sexual needs better.  Don’t put a social mask on when you meet someone.  It is actually NICE to meet someone who is genuine and authentic to who they truly are.

WHAT IS ATTAINABILITY?

Attainability is about transferring your inherent value to become value in his/her life.  It is the opening and closing window that allows the other person to view all your value.  It is about giving that person access to your value.  If I reverse it, attainability is the feeling that your potential partner has a shot at you, that they CAN be with you.

Attainability is not the same as availability. 
-  Availability implies that you are are giving yourself “for free.”  It’s similar to a business giving free samples out to passerbys.
-  Attainability implies that you have self-respect and therefore demand a little bit of commitment/compliance before he/she can access your value.  It’s similar to credit card companies giving out t-shirts IF the customer fills out a credit card application.

Assuming you already have your value handled, what are examples of attainability?

A.  If you are not meeting people:
-  Position yourself to be picked up.  Be friendlier and open-minded.  Give people the opportunity to meet you.
-  Talk to more strangers in your daily routines.  Allow them to discover you.  Since you are already attractive, why wouldn’t they want to talk to you?
-  If you like a certain type of man or woman, go to the places where they would hang out.

B.  If you are already talking or dating that hot guy/girl, interact in a way that reinforces the following  3 questions.  Your partner should be able to answer “yes” to:

1. Compatibility:  Can someone like me get someone like him/her?
   Talk about similar backgrounds, similar friends, reinforce that you like something about him/her, call or text every few days to remind him/her that you can be part of his/her life, create complicity with each other
2. Respect:  Will he/she respect me as a friend?
   Treat him/her the same way that you treat a friend.  Don’t put him/her on a pedestal.  Do activities that you’d do with friends.
3. Legitimacy:  Is this for real?
   Behave genuinely.   Don’t put on your social mask to impress him/her.  There’s no need for you to spit game at him/her all the time.

C.  If you have little time to go out on dates:
- Invite some of your prospective girlfriends/boyfriends out to do a fun activity that contributes to developing or accomplishing your goals or projects, particularly if those tasks relates to reinforcing your value.
If you are a chef, take your date grocery shopping with  you.  If you are a painter showcasing your art, invite him/her to help you set up the opening ceremony…etc.

Why is attainability important?

Assuming you already have good value in your life to reinforce, and legitimize how attractive you are, your potential partner will not put in the effort to pursue you if he/she doesn’t feel a little sense of attainability.  This is called Auto-Rejection Mechanism.

Case in point:  Think of the last crush you’ve had.  You see him/her enter the room.  He/she looks good.  You love being around him/her because he/she brightens your day.  You always try to talk to him/her whenever you can.  However, as time passes, if he/she doesn’t show any signs of interest in you, you start losing interest.  You stop trying to pursue a relationship because he/she failed to create a sense of attainability with you.

The relationship between Dolly and Barman Ben is a perfect example of that phenomenon.  Read her story here as she describes the emotional roller coaster she experiences as Barman Ben shows no evident signs of interest in her, but instead focuses on flirting with her roommate.

• So if you aren’t finding the right person to date, are you making yourself unattainable?  Are you too demanding, bitchy or mean?  Are you putting yourself out there and opening up?
• If you aren’t having anyone chase you, are you making yourself too available?  Are you demanding respect in exchange for you spending time and energy into the other person?  Do you have clear expectations of the other person towards you?

Attainability is your ability to make your partner feel that he/she is lucky to be with you.  Think about it…