If you have been reading seduction or dating books for a while, you’ll notice that there’s a lot of similar but different structures when it comes to what is considered the best way to attract a woman.  After talking with my friend Pastiche, I think I have simplified my personal methodology to:  approach and escalate.  I know it sounds simple, but it really covers everything I should be focused on and what I should be doing when I meet a beautiful woman who turns me on. 

In his ebook “The Secrets of Female Sexuality.” David Shade claimed that the true intent of a man towards a woman is to “bring out the decadent, primal, carnal, insatiably hungry, ruthlessly expressive natural sexual woman in her” because the true nature “of all interactions between a man and woman who just met is sexual, plain and simple.”  He continues with something very profound:

Don’t think about getting sex. Instead, think about giving her really good sex.

This mentality alone will probably make any man more successful in his interactions with women.  By not trying to get anything from the woman, he will become free of approach anxiety and outcome dependence.  Furthermore, the intent David Shade describes truly underlines the need for creating and maintaining sexual attraction when developing a fulfilling relationship with a woman.

When I go out and socialize, I still believe in and follow the principles of VAC, but I am going to adopt “Approach and Escalate” as my new mantra for dating. 

By the way, all articles ever written by theApproach have been compiled in a centralized website at www.asktheapproach.com.  It’s probably one of the best resources out there if you are interested in learning natural game, so check it out! 

Anyway, here is a little more explanation on my little mantra:

Approach

• Approach implies action:  walk and talk to the girl.  Don’t think too much and don’t allow yourself to succumb to approach anxiety.  I actually found this video from Victor Malvado helpful if you tend to freeze in your approach attempts.  You can also read my post on the topic here.
• During the approach, have a warmly dominant and friendly vibe.  Be aware of the non-verbal communications you project (posture, tonality, mannerisms…etc).  The reason I say “warmly dominant” is because I want to convey a little bit of sexual presence.  I do not need to impress or entertain the girl for her to like me (+V).  However, I do want to check if the girl is worth my time (+C).
• Being friendly really means being approachable (+A).  I don’t want the girl to feel intimidated by me. 

Escalate

• If you see attraction as a process like I do, then you will realize that a woman will feel attracted to you through constant escalation efforts.  Always push the interaction as far as you can (Continuous Flow of Action).  The focus is always on having fun and bringing pleasure to the senses (+V).
• Escalation covers both physical and psychological/emotional/intellectual arousal.
  1.  To have physical arousal, first create comfort with incidental touching then use the Vin DiCarlo Escalation Ladder to move up smoothly to more sensual kino.
  2.  To create and build up psychological/emotional/intellectual arousal, juggle between trust and comfort and arousal/sexual tension during conversations (rapport is pre-built in all dialogues).  Trust and comfort can be achieved through relating to her stories and using disqualifications.  Slowly opening up and talking about yourself will also allow the woman to feel comfortable with who you are as a man (think credibility and attainability, +A). 
• From there, continue arousal through intrigue (+C) and complicity (+A).  There are many ways to create intrigue:  light Cocky & Funny comments, verbal reward and statements of intent (SOI), entertaining games or cold reads, push/pull flirtatious comments, sexual barriers, sexual tension, etc.  You don’t want to pull out all your cards at once.  Make sure the woman commits into wanting to know you as you open up (compliance ratio concept).
• Complicity reinforces that we should be together.  It is about developing an emotional/sexual connection.  You want to setup a “you and me VS. world” dynamic into the interaction.  It helps balance the right amount of collaborative teasing and push/pull to avoid killing the attraction when you go overboard (theApproach’s Wiley E. Coyote effect).
• By constantly escalating, you keep the interaction interesting and you avoid the platonic zone.  Escalating is similar to adding value to a conversation.  She never knows what will happen next because of the level of uncertainty you create in the interaction.  There’s a sense of discovery and curiosity.  It’s exciting!
• Escalating also means you have to lead.  Noticing Indicators of Interest (IOIs) is nice way of keeping track of the woman’s attraction level to you but in the end, you should always be the one taking the initiative.  Things won’t happen until you take a step forward.
• Not noticing and seizing windows of opportunity for escalation may also seriously trump the attraction a woman may feel for you.  She may start questionning whether you have feelings for her and may stop showing signs of interest in you.  This leads to a loss of sense of attainability for her.

How do I become good at escalating?

Most guys actually have good enough verbal game to create comfort and trust (for credibility and respect purposes).  What they really lack is the confidence to convey sexual interest to the woman in order to push the interaction forward.  I have seen guys with little or no sexual experience do very well in attracting the girl but they are unable to go past that because they don’t know how to turn things sexual (either getting the woman sexually comfortable or sexually aroused with them).  To overcome that fear, Pastiche shared with me how:

It’s about certainty. Doing things 100% certain or doing things in spite of uncertainty… or reducing the uncertainty.

Unfortunately, that kind of confidence is built from experience.  You have to take a risk and try things out.   If the fear is too deep, learn as much as you can about sex.  Just having a knowledge of what to do will alleviate the anxiety to escalate.  Go read books/websites on the topic or better, watch instructional videos on how to kiss properly and how to perform basic sexual deeds (porn does not count, but you can look for videos from Nina Hartley’s Guide to [...] collection, Art of Kissing, Ideagasms, Sensual Awakening or other documentaries).   There are some free resources available such as www.sexuality.org, www.wikiafterdark.com and some not so free like www.loversguide.com.

A lot of time, guys also psych themselves out by making the first kiss a bigger deal than it is.  Kissing is important.  It’s usually the first step towards intimacy but in all seriousness, kissing is about physical comfort with one another.  Kissing does not equate to physical arousal until you both make out. 

Anyway, once you start kissing and making out consistently with girls, you will wonder why you have waited so long   That alone will give newbies more motivation to push the interaction as they can every time they go out.

What is your take on attraction and sexual tension?

For me, attraction is the process in which your partner discover reasons to like you.  On the other hand, sexual tension is the arousal state when your partner likes you enough to want to fuck you.  Vin DiCarlo has a pretty elaborate post on that very topic and describes how to create it.  Dan Rose also commented further on his blog.

If you continuously escalate, you will create both attraction and sexual tension.  After that, on with the fun!

Yesterday, I told my Mom I was planning on going to the Adult Convention in L.A. this weekend.  Surprised, she asked:

HER:  What is it?
ME:  Hmm, have you heard of pornography?
HER:  What?…  Why would you want to go to that?
ME:  Some of my friends are planning to go.  I’d like to go too.  I have never been to one so I’m  curious to see what it is about.
HER:  Do you always partake in what your friends do?  Do you think you are being negatively influenced?

As you can imagine, I wasn’t too happy after our phone conversation.  She turned a discussion of an event I was planning to attend into a debate over the types of friends I have and a debate over my moral compass.  I love my Mom!  She has always been a strong positive influence on my life… but sometimes, I wish she could see my way a little bit more before casting her judgment.

I guess it is our parents’ job to see the world in black and white for us because they want to protect us, but I don’t see everything in dual tone colors anymore.  As I wrote in my Art of Conversation and Storytelling post, trying to be right all the time hinders your ability to communicate well.

Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open.  You’re able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment.
– Ralph Marston

A lot of things in life are actually neither right or wrong.  The way you react or interpret them is what makes them right or wrong.  Is Adultcon in itself wrong?  Probably not.  It’s neutral.  If you come from a very conservative or religious background, you will probably condemn the event as morally unthinkable.  If you come from a more liberal background, you may argue that it is a celebration of human sexuality, which then makes it a reason to rejoice.  It all depends on how you frame things.

So where am I going with this?  I see this issue a lot when guys come ask me if what they are doing is right or wrong in their endeavor to get with a girl.  I am no expert but it really depends.  It depends on how well she responds to what you are doing/saying, but more importantly, it depends on how well you react to HER response.  The question you should ask yourself in those situations is:  is my response moving the interaction closer to where I want it to go… or further?  If you are moving the interaction forward, you are doing well.  Let me give you an example.

A girl sent a text to my friend saying :  “Fool, study… Study fool!!!”  So he turned to me and said:  “does that mean she doesn’t like me?  She called me a fool.”  I asked him:  “what is the context?”  It appears that they were flirting all along.  He needed to study for an exam the next day but as they kept on texting each other, he finally sent her:  “Oh you need to stop that, you are distracting me.  Don’t make me spank you the next time I see you ;p”  Her “study fool” response to his text is by itself neutral.  But within the context, calling him a fool means she’s being affectionate with him.  She was playing along by flirting but she knew when to let him go.  The interaction so far was positive.  Now imagine what would have happened if he replied with:  “why did you call me a fool?  That’s so mean.  That was so uncalled for.”  Do you see how bad of a turn the conversation would take?

I like what Vin DiCarlo said about attraction in his Dating Diablo program: 

“You have to stop thinking about attraction as something that is either there or not… and rather a process, in which leading the logistics is included.  Attraction and seduction is a process ANY man can lead any woman through.  So instead of wondering what is going on, lead her through the process and make her attracted.”

By keeping the big picture in mind, you don’t get stuck with small frivolous concerns:  am I saying the right thing?  Does she really like me?  What you say in a specific moment is usually not very important as long as you mean it well and you move the interaction forward.  Even if she gives you a negative response, you CAN recover by reacting positively.  Generally speaking, there really isn’t a right or wrong thing to say to a woman.  However, there may be better ways of saying what you want to tell her.

This leads to my next topic:  what do Indicators of Interest (IOI) really mean?

I feel that a lot of guys who are deep in the Community rely too heavily on Indicators of Interests to gauge the likelihood of success for their next escalation move.  They look for IOIs to determine if the girl is attracted enough to them before they attempt a move on them.  This is a big mistake.  This type of logic reeks of approval-seeking behavior:  “I want to make sure the woman will not reject me before I try <insert whatever action you are trying to do>.”

While interacting with a man, a woman doesn’t consciously think:  “OK, I like him.  I’m going to flip my hair now to let him know he can go on” or “Oh, I want to kiss him.  Let me flutter my eyelashes and pucker up my lips so that he knows I’m ready.”  This is ridiculous!  Yeah… some women may actually do that intentionally but most won’t.  What they do as a sign of interest to you is usually subconscious and spontaneous.  In addition, some women won’t even give out any IOI at all.  They are either shy/reserved or they are too much in their head to even think about that.  They are not as sexually-attuned as their more social friends.

Last but not least, an IOI is neither a credible, nor consistent enough measure of a woman’s interest in you because they can be easily misinterpreted.  If a woman is twirling her straw in her drink, that doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s thinking of sex with you.  She might just be bored with you so she’s doing something else.  If she’s touching you, it doesn’t always mean that she’s into you.  She just might be one of those very touchy feely person. 

An Indicator of Interest (IOI) should not be treated like a red or green light.  To me, an IOI is a sign that what I did previously was right.  If the girl laughs at my joke, it means I had a good joke.  Her IOI is a response to what I did.  I want to be aware of any IOI a woman sends me but I am not paralyzed by a lack of IOIs.  A lack of IOIs does not stop me from pushing the limits of the interaction.  I am the man.  I am supposed to lead the interaction with her.  Remember, attraction is a process.  It is a gradual emotional and physical arousal that you are in control of.

Think of Indicators of Interests as guiding posts.  Imagine yourself driving on a road in heavy fog.  You can only see so far ahead of you but you are trying to get to city X.  Every so often, you see a sign that says:  City X – 55 mi.  Then you see another one later on that says, City X – 30 mi.  Seeing the signs reassure you that you are going the right way.  However, if you don’t see one, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep driving and turn around.

So guys, be aware of IOIs but don’t think too much about them.  I don’t ever want to read or hear anything like this anymore:  “So I had this many IOIs (she laughed at my jokes, she flipped her hair, she touched me…) but then when I tried to kiss her, she gave me the cheek.”  This means you tried to kiss her the wrong way, it doesn’t mean she didn’t like you.  You probably escalated too abruptly.  Got it?

Business:

Microsoft is hosting their 2nd annual Small Business Summit this week.  I’ve spent a few hours today watching and listening to their keynote speakers online and it’s all great stuff!  So go check it out if you have the time.  It’s free and you can watch the presentations again within 72 hours if you missed the original time slot.

Sciences and Psychology:

I just read 2 articles that describe how body language, and more specifically how walking patterns play a role in what people find attractive in the opposite sex.  These just confirm that if you have bad body language, FIX IT!  The 2 articles have little videos that demonstrate what constitute an attractive walking pattern.

• How Body Shapes Up Takes More Than a Good Build from the Scientific American
• Secret of Attraction?  It’s All Due to the Wiggle from the Telegraph newspaper in the UK

The next article talks about polyamorous relationships.  Surprisingly, it appears that most people in polyamorous relationships “reported ’love’ or ‘connection’ as important reasons for staying together” unlike people in monogamous relationships who “often list external factors such as religion or family as major reasons for remaining committed.”

• Love Unlimited:  The Polyamorists from New Scientist

Psychology Today has a couple of interesting articles as well.  The first one debates the role of female orgasms in reproductive functions.

• The Orgasm Wars.  The conclusions are pretty astounding: 
  • A woman’s capacity for orgasm depends not on her partner’s sexual skill but on her subconscious evaluation of his genetic merits.
  • Women’s orgasm has little to do with love. Or experience.
  • Good men are indeed hard to find.
  • The men with the best genes make the worst mates.
  • Women are no more built for monogamy than men are. They are designed to keep their options open.
  • Women fake orgasm to divert a partner’s attention from their infidelities.

The second one talks about social anxiety.  As I wrote before, overcoming approach anxiety and becoming socially confident is a learned skill. 

• Confidence:  Stepping Out.  Here’s an excerpt:

  • Mastering social skills requires tuning in to your self-esteem. But instead of being self-conscious and fixating on your anxiety, work on creating positive interactions that make the people around you feel engaged and happy. Focusing less on yourself and more on others will yield big payoffs in expanded social opportunities.

Seduction Community News:

Not long ago, Erik “Mystery” Von Markovik split from Mystery Method to create his new home at Venusian Arts.  Today, it seems that Vin “Woodhaven” DiCarlo is no longer affiliated with theApproach as he is not listed on theApproach’s homepage anymore.  Instead, he now has his own website called DiCarlo Diclassified that is currently selling an audio program with workbook.  Dan “Spirit Fingers” Rose, the author of the “Sex Revolution Handbook” and owner of the Sex Revolution Blog, also seem to have parted ways with theApproach to follow Vin DiCarlo.

I have  edited my previous post about how the Seduction Community is divided to reflect the change.  In any case, from having read the “Sex Revolution Handbook” myself and from having met Vin DiCarlo before, I can recommend any of their products with confidence to anyone interested in learning “Natural Structured Game.”

I guess the fact that the Community is reproducing itself is good, right?  The Seduction Community is creating more babies! LOL

EDIT 03/20/07:  From a recent theApproach’s newsletter, Vin wrote:

Hi Friend - 

I’ve gotten a lot of questions in the last 24 hours about DiCarlo
DiClassified. Thanks for everyone who bought Dating Diablo and who
registered for my special private list. This list is only for my
personal friends and biggest supporters, so definitely tune in to
get exclusive new content from me and perhaps a few friends.

About theApproach: I still train, write, and develop new content for
theApproach. It’s still my baby, and we’re still the best way to get
your game handled completely naturally. Thanks for all your support
of my personal projects and of theApproach.

Vin