Let go of your Approach Anxiety
Posted by Khiem in: Articles

I had a wonderful discussion yesterday night when I was out with friends in Pasadena.  The highlight was:  beautiful women are desperate for genuine men who have the courage to go up and talk to them.  “Men just don’t have balls anymore,” my buddy’s g/f said (Let’s call her Nini).  Parker, the girl sitting next to me, nodded.

Nini went on with the story of how she met my buddy William.  She was drinking with her girlfriends at the Standard Hotel in downtown L.A., washing her dating life’s sorrows away.  “I’m done with dating!” Nini said… until out of nowhere, William came up to her table with:  “Hi, may I join you?”  “Absolutely!” she responded, flashing a smile back at him.  William looked like a nice guy.  If you asked me, he is no Brad Pitt, but he was dressed neatly.  After all, I did help him get a new wardrobe a few days prior to that night.  He didn’ t carry the bad boy image, nor the pretentious vibe that so many guys in L.A. have either.  “Look at him, said Nini, he looks so cute and innocent!” “OOooooOOhh, maybe I’m not so done with dating!” she thought.  William stayed.  He continued with fun conversations with Nini and her girlfriends.  As they asked more about him, he did not put an act to attract any of them and even told them he was out alone that night. He drove all the way from Valencia to downtown L.A. (which is a good 40 min drive) just to take an easy time after work.  Unbeknownst to her, he was very nervous before he approached her but now, it doesn’t matter. Nini and her girlfriends left him with the impression that “He was the most authentic guy” they’ve met lately and that’s all it took for him to create a lasting connection with Nini as they have been dating since. 

Don’t give up. Keep going. There is always a chance that you will stumble onto something terrific. I have never heard of anyone stumbling over anything while sitting down.
— Ann Landers

If you get nervous before approaching a woman (yes, I’m talking to all of you who stand on “death row” on the side of the dance floor at a club, or you who sits in the corner drooling over women passing by you at the bar), think of that quote. Just do it, keep going… you never know what is going to happen, and that’s what really exciting! Approach Anxiety is a symptom for deeper insecurities. It actually does not exist. Approaching only takes 2 simple steps:
– a decision: I’m going to approach
– an action: I’m approaching.

Men have a tendency to overcomplicate the process by keeping their headspace in the wrong area:
– what am I going to say?
– she’s too hot!  She won’t talk to me
– I’m going to disturb her chat with her friends if I approach
– I’m going to wait until she’s by herself
– I’m too drunk right now… etc

I’m going to break it down for you.  Approach Anxiety is overcome by doing 2 things:
1. understanding your value – beliefs (inner game)
2. having the proper focus – self-talk
By handling your beliefs and self-talk, you will naturally know what to do when it comes down to approaching so that you actually DO the approach.

Inner game is the way you communicate with yourself.  It includes all your belief system about who you are and realizing how attractive you truly are.  You have inherent value in your life.  Find out what that value is.  When you take a bootcamp with theApproach, we take some time to help you refine your own value.  Define who you are:  in a nutshell, what kind of man do you want to be, and what do you stand for?  What do you have to offer to a woman? (and no, I’m not talking about your car and money – even though that can certainly help).

List 3-6 values and think of stories that you can share where you displayed those qualities.  Even if you can’t think of any, realize that even if you were stripped down of all your possessions, all your education and achievements, you do have something of value.  You have your humanity.  That is a beautiful gift by itself.  You can offer your kindness, your ability to sympathize and empathize.  At your core, this is who you are.  That is what makes you attractive.  Once you internalize this, the question becomes:  have you given the woman a chance to glimpse at your value?  Watching a woman from a distance is not going to help here.  Go ahead, walk up.  Talk to her.  Talk a bit about yourself.  Let her fall in love with you for who you are.

Focus refers to the mindset you should have when approaching a woman.  You shouldn’t be worried about what you are going to say.  Overthinking what you are going to say is one sure way to paralyze your approach.  Your proper focus should be: I’m here to offer pleasure and appreciation to the people around me without expecting anything in return.

Why is this important?  Because it frees you from outcome dependence.  People of high value aren’t shy about sharing their own value.  They don’t expect a lot in return either.  A lot of men experience Approach Anxiety because they put too much pressure on themselves to get a good reaction from the woman.  Don’t be so afraid of being judged.  Remember, you have value.  You have something to offer to that woman.  You need not be afraid when all you are about to do is give her a gift.  You are not taking anything from her.  If you want to get deep with it, expect the worse reaction you can get from her because you can actually recover from a bad reaction!  Go read JC’s post on the topic if it helps.

But Khiem, I still don’t know what I’m going to say!!!

I usually tell students to look at and listen to their environment.  What is the person doing?  What is there to notice?  Look for openers. 

If you can’t think of anything to say by the time you walk up to her, try this: “Hi, my name is xxx.  I wanted to meet you.”  Go from there, and don’t forget to smile 🙂

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