Attraction vs Excitement
Posted by Khiem in: Articles

In theApproach Alumni forums, an interesting topic was brought up to light:  what is the difference between attraction and excitement?

Sebastian/Dimitri, the co-founder of VAC, wrote:
It can be easy to mistake excitement and attraction – it’s easy to get girls hyper and excited and out of control.  The thing this lacks – legitimacy.  Attainability.  So they’re pumped up and give you a number, but five minutes later, they auto-reject.  Any semblence of attraction is gone.

Why does this happen?  Because attraction is completely different from excitement.  If you look up the definition of each word on, this is what you get:

 at·tract [uh-trakt]
–verb (used with object)
1. to draw by a physical force causing or tending to cause to approach, adhere, or unite; pull (opposed to repel): The gravitational force of the earth attracts smaller bodies to it. 
2. to draw by appealing to the emotions or senses, by stimulating interest, or by exciting admiration; allure; invite: to attract attention; to attract admirers by one’s charm. 

ex·cite [ik-sahyt]
–verb (used with object), -cit·ed, -cit·ing.
1. to arouse or stir up the emotions or feelings of: to excite a person to anger; actions that excited his father’s wrath. 
2. to arouse or stir up (emotions or feelings): to excite jealousy or hatred. 
3. to cause; awaken: to excite interest or curiosity. 
4. to stir to action; provoke or stir up: to excite a dog by baiting him. 
5. Physiology. to stimulate: to excite a nerve. 
6. Electricity. to supply with electricity for producing electric activity or a magnetic field: to excite a dynamo. 
7. Physics. to raise (an atom, molecule, etc.) to an excited state. 

From the definitions alone, we can sense that attraction means drawing someone to you (implicitly for an undetermined period of time), whereas excitement simply means to arouse (implying its short term nature).  Therefore, one way to create attraction is through excitement, but there are many (and potentially better) ways to do it. 

Case in point:  we all know that under intense emotions, people tend to make irrational decisions.  Just watch some movies: how many women ended up hooking up with the action hero in the end?  You can see this phenomenon in business as well.  A lot of self-help and marketing gurus will work hard to get their audience excited about their new products.  They appeal to the person’s pleasure-seeking centers.  As the audience feels the high from feeling good, it turns around and buy in the new product/program.  This is what the Seduction Community calls “amping someone’s buying temperature.”  However, how many do you know will actually stick with the program or product after they bought it?

A lot of routine-based attraction models teach men to do just that:  get the woman excited so that they can get her number or have sex with her quickly.  Flip on as many of the woman’s attraction switches as possible.  These school of seductions also presume that the woman will try to see you again to rationalize her emotions for you.  There are 2 inherent flaws with that practice:
1.  Attraction based on excitement is temporary
2.  It sets a bad precedence for relationships, even if you were only interested in setting up a casual/fuck-buddy situation.

Attraction Based on Excitement is Temporary
As the woman leaves you for the night and goes back to her daily life, the excitement she felt by being with you dwindles down.  She is no longer “attracted” to you.  Her judgment is no longer impaired by stimulus (alcohol, music… etc) and her logical mind influenced by all societal and family values kicks back in.  There is no reason for her to be attracted to you beyond the temporary “fun” factor.  As Sebastian wrote earlier:  “there is no legitimacy” to her liking you.  

If you were to imagine the woman being a business evaluating her decision to further invest in you by letting you enter her life, she is practicing good due diligence by asking herself:  is my attraction for him real?  Is my attraction for him justified?  If it is not, the woman will not call you back or see you again.  And all this time, you thought she was attracted to you because she gave you her phone number. 

When stuck in this issue, you will be required to put up a lot more effort to attract her again in order to see her.   It is an effort that I am personally too lazy to make, especially if I can create long lasting attraction from the beginning.

Bad Precedence for Any Types of Relationships
As the woman realizes that her attraction to you is solely based on excitement, she will not take you seriously which will create problems later on if you want to change the type of relationship you want to maintain with her.  She will only give you the time of the day when she needs a little of entertainment in her life.  Any other time, she may ignore you completely.  She therefore controls the terms of when and how to see you.  For a lot of men, it doesn’t look like a huge deal breaker: “Just call me when you want to have fun, baby!” 

But for me, it is a problem.  I value my time.  I have self-respect.  If I was to setup a casual/open relationship, it has to be a decision made between 2 consenting adults.  There needs to be a common understanding that I am not her “boy toy” who she can call at any given time.  I will expect her to call me back if I contact her, and I will expect her to not flake on me if we decide to meet up, even if it’s just for fun.

So what’s the alternative?
Create real attraction from the beginning!  You may use games, humor, routines or gimmicks to bring excitement into the interaction and spike the attraction level from time to time, but it should be no substitute for having a personality.  You don’t want to be an entertainment monkey.  Show some real value in your life.  Have standards for the kind of people you keep in your life.  Real attraction is based on your ability to create a very personal/emotional connection and maintain a sexual undertone with the woman you are meeting.  She needs to feel comfortable opening up to you and sharing herself with you.  Allow her to discover you as naked as you can be and you won’t have to worry whether she will want to see you again or not.

Does this mean that attraction based on excitement is bad?
No.  Using excitement to build attraction is highly effective if you are looking for one-night stands, short term relationships and you enjoy women who do not have a lot of depth to themselves.  However, attraction based on excitement/entertainment alone is not as efficient if you plan on maintaining more meaningful relationships with high quality women, even if they are only casual in nature.

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One Response to “Attraction vs Excitement”

  1. Solomon.Manter Says:

    Aquest bloc és excel · lent. Hi ha sovint tota la informació corresponent als suggeriments dels meus dits. Gràcies i mantenir el treball superior!

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