American Men: Too Macho or Too Homophobic?
Posted by Jack in: Articles

Whenever I hang out with my college guy friends in a group, there is always a tendency for them to demonstrate to one another that they are not gay or not acting in any feminine fashions.

In fact, any acts of weak behavior is taboo and deserve a kick in the nut sack.

It seems that they always feel the need to demonstrate that they are as straight as a heterosexual can be and are in every way the quintessential alpha male, aka “The Man!”. 

I consider this typical college fraternity mentality.  The sad part is most guys never grow out of this mindset for a long time. For some, sadly to say, their entire lives are lived out in such ways.

GUY1: “DUDE!!!…………..Did you see that shit?  That was AWESOME! YEAH, I OWNED THAT SHIT.”

GUY2: “That’s what I’m talking about man!  Grand Theft Auto is awesome.  You can shoot cops and run people over.”

GUY3: “Iono guys, this game is nice and all but it’s a little violent. I like playing tennis on Wii better than this cuz it’s more relaxing and entertaining. You know what I mean?”

GUY1 & GUY2: “WTF!? Dude you’re freaking GAY!”

GUY2: “Yeah man that’s the most homo thing I’ve ever heard” 

GUY3: “F&*k you two!”

GUY1: “Why don’t you go play with your little Wii and do your Dance Dance Revolution routine in your living room.”

Does the above conversation sound familiar?

Typical behaviors for these kind of men include talking louder, making more noticeably overt gestures to draw attention to themselves, laughing with deeper voice and trying to one up one another by making fun of each other.  

When hanging out together, they make sure to leave enough space in between one another to not get too close and touch the other guy by mistake.  They MUST not show any form of physical contact with another man aside from the manly punching and slapping.

After traveling and learning about other cultures, I feel that most men in the United States (my college buddies included) are very homophobic. They are afraid to show the sensual sensitive side of themselves to people, particularly in front of other men because they fear being chastised by their peers.  Most of them associate being sensual as feminine.  

They cover this insecurity of potentially being perceived as a “weaker” man by showcasing outrageous overt behaviors such as acting like a jock, walking with a swagger, etc. 

It wasn’t until I took theApproach‘s bootcamp with Sebastian Drake and later on, until I started hanging out with Khiem that I realized how silly these societal conditioned perceptions can be. 

Those of you who have traveled a lot probably have noticed that men from the rest of the world are quite different than men from the US.  Most of my European and South American friends are very sensual and in tune with their sexuality.

They own their manliness image by not being afraid of gentle touching, fully body hugging, cheek-kiss greeting and generally-speaking being comfortable around and in the presence of other men. With women, they show even more warmth than with men.  

Everything about them conveys how comfortable they are with their body and sexuality. They are not afraid to show people their real side instead of our typical American cowboy, alpha male demeanor. They express who they are with authenticity and purest form of desire.

On the contrary, American men seem lost and confused in their identity as men. The media and other societal or religious teachings profess a political correctness that seem to encourage men to suppress the very behaviors that make them distinctively men.

These men sadly misinterpret that women do not like men who are sexual.  This gives rise to the 2 extremes:  the “nice guy” or the insecure jackass/bad boy.  

Men try to be (too) nice to please women in hopes that they can eventually show their sexual side or they channel their sexual energy into other form of non-sexual yet aggressive behaviors which sometimes translate into insecure asshole-ish behaviors.

Actually, I used to be one of those super nice guys back in college who’d rarely get the girl. I’d befriend the girl hoping that one day, she would out of the blue find me attractive and fall for me.  

YEAH, I KNOW! What a dumb idea…  I had to learn the hard way.  

I remember one time I went on a date with a girl and the entire time, I did not touch her one bit (yeah not even brushed hands with her).  However, I guess I did OK because towards the end of the night, she invited me into her house to watch a movie with her on the couch.  Most guys would see that as an opportunity to make a move but I didn’t even know where to start to touch her, let alone kiss her.  

Half of the movie in, I knew it was too late.  I didn’t show any form of sexual interest towards her.  All she saw was just a nice guy who wanted to befriend her.  I behaved on the extreme end of friendliness with no sexual behaviors.  As such, I ended being “the friend.”

The funny thing is when the guys realize asexual actions do not attract women, they learn to act extremely sexual… TOO sexual.  Have you ever heard a guy dirty talk or treat women as if they were porn stars? 

I have seen my college friends behave in such extreme ways.  They’d act overtly sexual to every girl in any situation; whether it’d be in class, coffee shops, library, night clubs, etc.  That obviously does not work either.

I’ve heard so many of my female friends describe the overly sexually aggressive man as a big turn-off.

What women are looking for is something in between: the men who aren’t asexual but who are at the same time not excessively sexual.

Nowadays, after several months of working on improving myself, I finally understand how walking the middle ground produces the attractiveness.  

What women are drawn to and fantasize about is a real man who is not afraid to show himself as a man, without shields and shackles.  He expresses himself fully and authentically.  By being in tune with his biological and instinctual behaviors, he can show his selfish sexual side without restraint but with compassion.

His actions are slow and delibrate.  Everything about him is a flow of fluidity.  This makes him seem very sensual and importantly, women can sense it in a man.  Women can smell this kind of guy from a mile away.

Just watch George Clooney in this short video clip.  Watch how confident and sensual he carries himself.



But if you really want to know what it looks like in REAL life, I recommend you guys check out Broken English.  Like all movies of course, the guy is not 100% perfect but the film sure has great scenes and has flashes of how a perfect guy would express himself genuinely and authentically.



I think he’s the perfect example of how we aren’t all perfect.  Hopefully, you guys don’t think that you need to be this perfect guy to get the girl… but at the same time, you can be honest with who you are and feel powerful about it.

That’s what creates confidence and I guess that’s what truly attracts women.

If you hang out with Khiem for example, he actually has a goofy side… but he’s masculine and sweet at the same time.  I’ve heard him on the phone with his girl… and he sounds like a little kid.  He’s not afraid of sounding too cutesy but he also knows when to just talk dirty with his girl… and you should hear how she responds.

I’m becoming that way too.  I’m not so afraid of being too macho or too nice.  I’m finding a balance that makes me me… just me.  The girl I’m actually seeing right now always call me a dork.  I say the stupidest lines to her but she loves it.  That’s because I’m comfortable with myself too.  When it counts, I’m being real.  When I want to, I’m funny.  When it matters, I lead her mind sensually.

So guys, explore the things that makes you you.  Explore how you can express yourself authentically, both your darker desires and your nice side.  You got to own up to who you are.  There’s nothing wrong with being sexual but there’s a time for it… and there’s a way.

In case you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend Vin DiCarlo’s The Attraction Code.  He really broke down how an attractive man should think about women.  He even lists the behaviors he feels are most important for you to become that man.  

Khiem and I found it helpful.  I think you would too.



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