Get Out Of Your Head, Reality Isn’t Always As It Seems
Posted by Khiem in: Articles, First Impressions

People must be liking the new direction I’m taking with the blog.

Today, inspired by my “First Impressions” series of blogs (first couple stories are here and here), Donnie wants to share a personal story.  He is going to talk about how to not let the monkey chatter cloud your mind and make the best out of your first few interactions with someone.

If you have a an insightful and entertaining story you want to share that truly speaks of how people really think while dating or socializing, email me.  I don’t think you need “gurus” to show you how to date better.  When it comes to improving your chances at meeting and attracting the people you want in your life, I believe we can all learn from each other if we shared more of our experiences with one another.

And Kiss N’ Tale is the place for you to do that!

Right now, the series is about “first impressions” or “first love/lust.”  I also would love people to write about bad sex, interracial dating or being too much of a nice guy.


Have I been wrong all along?  Back track to a few months ago, to when I was just starting to open myself up and really put myself out there to meet people, everything I saw was what I believed to be real.

I’d work myself up the courage to go and talk to the cute girl behind the counter at the coffee shop and rather than just placing my order, I would talk to her and see what she is all about.  We’d have a good fun conversation that would last for a good few minutes depending on how many people were in line (usually I went up when there was no line) or until I had exhausted the conversation and felt like I had left a good impression.

So what happened the next time I saw her?

I’d walk into the coffee shop and I’d instantly look to see if she was working that day.  When I saw her and she’d look up at me and then look back at what she was doing, all I could think about was:  “Did I creep her out?” “Does she not remember me?” “Should I just leave?”.  Explosions of monkey chatter would go off in my head when in reality, she was just working and being focused on her job, nothing personal.

Monkey Chatter

Do you find yourself “expecting” things from women?  When you think about it, how many times have you not talked to a girl because she didn’t show immediate bubbly enthusiasm that you were in her presence?

What you see is not what you always get.

I remember going to a musical performance a few weeks back, and onstage, was this girl that I had interacted with through the performance school for many years.  I always thought she was a cold bitch.  She never talked to me, or smiled at me, or even acknowledged me most of the time.  But when I saw her on stage that night, she was putting it all out there.  She was singing on such a higher level than I had ever heard her before and I felt a very strong need to tell her how impressed I was with her hard work.

So what happened at the after-party when I came across her?  I was talking to some old friends and she just so happened to come and join our social circle to talk to someone else standing to the side.  I looked at her but she didn’t look back at me.

“Does she even remember who I am?”

Once she stopped talking to her friend, she just stood there listening to our conversation… and I looked at her again.  She had this stony uninterested look on her face.  So I thought “what the hell…” and I said:

Me:  Hey ____!  I was really impressed by how good you’ve gotten!  Wow!  (I wondered if she even knew who I was)

Her:  Donnie!!!!  (She then came up and hugged me)

Her:  Thank you so much!  I haven’t seen you in like 4 years!  How have you been?  What have you been up to?

What did I really expect her reaction to be?  I thought that she’d look at me and scoff, wondering who this stranger was getting all up in her business.  Quite the opposite, she was beaming with the brightest smile I have ever seen on her face, she then was very excited to find out what I had been up to over the past few years since I’ve been away.

WTF?  Here I was thinking that this girl didn’t want to have anything to do with me, getting all caught up in my own insecurities when in reality, she was thinking the exact same thing.  She remembered me but was unsure whether I remembered her.  And when I stepped up and simply acknowledged her person to person, all doubt and insecurity was thrown aside.  All that was left were two people communicating and enjoying each other’s company.

Have I been wrong all along?

These “signals” that we observe from other people, whether they are cross-armed or avoiding eye contact with everyone around them, is nothing.  There is no logical foundation behind the perceptions that we make in a split second of looking at someone.  You think you have someone all figured out before you even hear their voice but the truth is, reality may be very different than what you make it to be.

My biggest take away from this experience was that the people that I go out and I choose to interact with, are full of the same doubt, uncertainty, and insecurity that I once suffocated myself with.  And believe me I was suffocating.

I’d get so caught up in whether this person remembered me or not, I would look so hard for some sign of acknowledgement from them that I didn’t think to acknowledge them myself and show them that I remembered them… and that I could make THEM feel special.

So once I talk to someone, you bet your ass I’m going to talk to them the next time too because it’s about being the leader and not just waiting around for everyone else to take the lead.  It’s about being memorable and making them feel remembered…

First impressions are only as important as the second and third.  The first impression is just a foundation to build something on, but you’ll never get anything done if you just lay the foundation and walk away.

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