Q&A: How Do I Keep Conversations Going?
Posted by Khiem in: Advice, Articles

Keep Talking - The Art of Conversation

Every guy who had to learn how to be more social, more charming has asked me this one question.  Every time, I try to give as thoughtful of an answer as I can but today, let me answer it once and for all and give the question as much thought as possible.

My biggest problem with a girl is running out of things to say and telling stories, keeping the conversation interesting. It’s a broad question, I know, but any advice?

Keeping the conversation going  essentially boils down to your mastery of two things:

  • your listening skills
  • your relating skills

For some of you guys, when you talk to a woman you are attracted to, you run out of things to say because you are not actually listening to her.  Instead of enjoying her company, paying attention to her and staying in the moment with her, you let your mind race at 200 miles an hour because you are either trying to anticipate what she’s going to say next or trying to say something clever, witty or funny to impress her.

So the first thing you need to do is slow down.  Get curious about her, get curious about what she’s talking about.  Listen for those key portal words.  When I’m talking to a woman, I personally look for which topics trigger the most powerful emotions in her (passion, excitement, happiness, fear…) and for which topics interest or intrigue me the most (common interest or even my own personal curiosity on a particular subject matter) because that’s where I’ll lead the conversation to next.

I want the woman to feel and attach strong emotions when she’s around me.

Typically, you don’t want to enter the conversation trying to impress the woman.  When you are trying to impress her, you are sub-communicating that you don’t feel worthy of her, not good enough for her.  That mindset comes from a place of insecurity and does not make you look confident… which in turns, is not very attractive to most women.

Your relating skills comes from your ability to share yourself through storytelling.  A lot of guys think they have nothing to say to a woman when in reality, they have many years worth of opinions, experiences and adventures to share.  How old are you now?  26…?  Well, that’s 26 years worth of things to talk about!

Anything in your life can be turned into a story, whether it’s your grocery shopping list or your latest spontaneous mishap.  I personally believe that most people are afraid of opening up not because they didn’t think of doing it as much as they were afraid of being negatively judged.

I say… let people judge you!  When someone judges you, it’s more a reflection of who they are rather than who you are.  You can learn a lot more about someone by watching how they react to you rather than what they tell you.  Yes, even in conversations, actions speak louder than words.

The key to making your conversation interesting and unique is to focus on conveying your own personal emotional journey through it.  You want to paint a fascinating picture of who you are to the woman you are talking to.  So unlike guys who make the mistake of focusing mostly on the action of the story… add a bit more by sharing the internal dialogue you had while your story developed.  That’s what makes you you!

Note above that I said YOUR personal journey, not your friends’.  It’s very common for guys who aren’t the chatty type to talk about what their friends do or have.  Well guess what?  If a woman is talking to you, she doesn’t care about your friends.  She cares about you!  She wants to learn about you!  Your stories can have your friends in them as supporting characters, but the stories shouldn’t be about your friends.  Your stories should be about you… what you did, what you felt, what you heard… etc.

Conversation - I Have a Voice

Now that I talked to you about making sure you are listening, what to convey in your stories and what not to talk about, keep in mind that great conversations are not solely based on you having great content.

The way you deliver your stories is almost more important than what you want to talk about.  I believe they say something along the lines of 93% of communication is a combination of body language and tonality.  As such, you can make your stories more engaging with the use of dramatic pauses, hand gestures, talking faster or slower at certain points of your story, lowering or elevating your pitch… etc.

Your non-verbal communication is what really sets the mood, vibe and energy of your interaction.

So, as much as you worry about how to keep the conversation going, relax, make it easy on yourself.  Don’t worry so much about what to say as much as how you say it.  Most of the time, if you focus on listening, being in the moment with her, keeping a playful and fun vibe,  you will do just fine.

But… if you really feel that you can’t keep conversation going because you can’t think quick enough on your feet, here’s a quick and easy exercise for you to practice.

  • Pick a random word by either using an online key word generator or just think of one (because you saw something… or whatever).  Right now, I have a cup next to me… so my random word is “cup.”
  • That word is now your key portal word.  In a normal conversation, you’d be listening for key portal words.  She may give you a lot of interesting key portal words in the sentence she uses but you’ll pick whichever one resonates with you the most.  From that word, create a story that includes that word in it.  Make the story real, don’t make things up, don’t lie.  Use your personal life as inspiration.
  • If you have a voice recorder, record yourself telling the story.  Better… if you have a video camera, record yourself telling the story.
  • Once you are done, listen or watch yourself and see how you can improve the delivery and how you can add more details to make it more interesting and emotionally engaging.
  • Repeat 3-5 times a day until it becomes natural for you to just make stories up on the fly.

With practice, you’ll realize that you always have something to talk about.  Anything and everything can be a conversational starter.  And if you pay attention to your delivery, it will become a breeze for you to not only keep the conversation going but also engaging.  Conversation with someone you are attracted to is not supposed to be hard.  Remember, it’s just talking… even if sometimes, it feels like much much more.

In short, listen attentively.  When you listen, you make someone feel special… and then, relate by sharing more of yourself.  The playfulness, flirting and teasing will come as soon as you learn to do just that.

If you want a more technical take on the subject, you can check out the post I wrote a long time ago on the art of conversation and storytelling.  As always, I welcome any questions you might have.  If I can help you in any way, don’t hesitate in emailing me.

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One Response to “Q&A: How Do I Keep Conversations Going?”

  1. jual geogrid triax Says:

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