December 19th, 2012  (0)
Should I Care About What Women Think (Podcast)
Posted by Khiem in: Advice, Podcast

Happy happy holidays!

We have one more week to go before Christmas and I sure hope you have finished all your Christmas shopping.  I sure haven’t!

With all the upcoming festivities, it’s been hard for me to keep up with my weekly podcast but that’s because I’ve been recording an audio series for you guys to listen to soon.  The audio program will be about how to develop a playful, witting, charming and seductive personality.

So make sure to stay tuned for more details soon.

In the meantime, today I invite Evan to help me answer one of the biggest questions guys have when they start getting better with women:  should you care about what women think?

More specifically, should you change how you talk or approach women by guesstimating what they are thinking about.

This-is-how-a-woman-think_1-550x404

In this podcast, we discuss:

  • How it’s normal to want to be liked and care about what people think about you (within reasons)
  • How to know when to stop caring about what other people think
  • Why your attitude and feelings about yourself matter
  • Whether “indicators of interests” (IOIs) are that important to understanding how a woman feels about you or not
  • Examples of how even Evan and I can’t always know what’s going on in a woman’s mind and how it still does not matter

Take a listen.

This-is-how-a-woman-think_2-550x456After you are done with the podcast, I encourage you to ask questions.  Post them below and I’ll answer them.

I’ll see you next week!

 

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    October 2nd, 2012  (4)
A Woman’s Take on HBO Girls: Episode 7 Revisited
Posted by Khiem in: Advice, Articles

So I’m a little jealous.  A few weeks ago, I posted the commentary about HBO Girls from my dear friend Thuy and it seems to have really hit a cord with some people, especially the women.  She’s posted links to her guest blog on her Facebook and a lot of her friends have been complimenting her.  Damn!!!  I don’t think I’ve ever had compliments from my friends on my own posts.

Well… maybe what it really proves is that not too many of my friends read my blog.  Hmmm… what should I do about that, huh?

Anyway, I am proud to post Thuy’s next blog as part of her ongoing take on the greatest surprise hit show of the year:  HBO Girls!!!  Enjoy.

Oh… and before I forget:  if you have a personal romantic situation you want to run by me or Thuy, make sure to send me an email.  We can both answer it privately or on my next blog.  And if you want to learn the skills to avoid the very romantic sticky situations I’ve been writing about on this blog, let me know as well and I can discuss with you coaching options.

*******************************

I love the warehouse parties that Khiem, Evan and I go to.  There’s so much people watching…and in this episode, there is so much character watching!

Hannah and Adam Dancing Crazy

With Jessa and her texting back a random number, what should I not share?!!  Initially, I thought she was ridiculous… until of course, I end up doing something similar myself.  I had texted a number from my address book that I had presumed to be my ex’s.  He’s been calling me for a couple weeks to get back together, so I just texted him from that saved number.  Little did I know I was texting the wrong guy!  It took about three texts before we realized I had the wrong person.  I don’t know why, but once the confusion cleared up, we started flirting with each other!

I guess he must have enjoyed it because he promised to text me again the next day… which led to a string of more flirty texts over the next two days… which then led to a date. The mystery was what made it fun for the both of us.  It was exciting!  I just knew the exhilaration Jessa felt, not knowing who the mystery person was.

I am guilty of ignoring some texts too.  There was this guy who got my number at a party and he started texting me.  They were friendly texts but I eventually got bored, feeling it was going nowhere.  As a result, I didn’t respond back to his last text and that was the end of it.  Perhaps, I might have been too quick to judge and guys shouldn’t take it personally.  But guys need to know this simple truth:  I have some numbers and guys’ names in my cell that I don’t recognize or even remember where I met them at all.  What they say is right:  it really is a number’s game.  You shouldn’t take it too seriously if she doesn’t respond back to you.

However, if you really want a girl to take you seriously, PICK UP THE PHONE!!! I don’t mind if a guy makes the initial contact through a text. There are cases when it’s actually better to start out that way.  However, you can only do that for so long.  Texting doesn’t allow for the same level of emotional connection as talking on the phone does.  After a while, the boredom sets in and  it actually becomes harder for you to close the deal when there is no real escalation.

Personally, I can never take a guy seriously if he’s only communicating to me through text.  Girls have a rule out there that says if a guy only texts you, it means he only wants you for sex.  And in case you were wondering:  yes, I did go out with that random “text guy.”  I think of it as an anomaly.  I also still don’t take him seriously or see any relationship potential with him.  But I did it for the fun of it.

[Editor’s Note:  I think this is a perfect example of why men need to learn to communicate better, particularly flirt and engage people’s emotions through better storytelling.  How would you feel if you were to find out that you lost your chance with a woman because you were BORING via texts?]

Like Jessa, I also had a married man interested in me before.  However, I was much more innocent at that time, maybe almost Shoshanna innocent.  I met him at an acoustic guitar class.  We became friends.  He openly talked about his wife.  He seemed harmless, right?  Then one day, he invited me to see a live band at a bar because we were both music lovers.  When I got there, I asked where his wife was.  He mentioned  that he had taken her here before but she didn’t like it as it was too loud for her.  I should have seen that as a red flag.

I believe he was telling the truth but I sensed the frustration in his tone of voice.  We hung out another time when he was near my workplace for a convention.  He wanted to grab a bite and a movie to beat the traffic.  That’s when it hit me!  That’s when I realized there was trouble in his marriage and that he was interested in more than a friendship with me.

He poured out all his frustrations onto me. He then laid his hand on my inner thigh during the movie!  (And I don’t think it would classify as a non-sexual massage if you know what I mean). I definitely wasn’t about to condone his actions but as much as I may get hate mail from other women, the reason why I believe he was drawn to me was because he felt free to be himself around me.  His wife made him feel constricted and suppressed.  Along the way, he lost his sense of self.  Unfortunately, he thought he could find it externally rather than confronting his problem at home with his wife.

HBO Girls Jessa and Boss at the warehouse party

That’s how I relate to Jessa’s boss.  Jessa’s boss is going through a mid-life crisis.  His wife is the bread-winner in the family and he has no sense of purpose.  If you look at their interactions, the marriage is pretty passionless too.  Guys need a sense of purpose or else they lose their mojo.  That explains why he was begging to Jessa to come home with him.  Jessa represents the freedom, passion, and youthful vitality that he once had.  Sadly, he thought he could regain it through her.

Khiem and Evan expressed their disappointment at the boss begging Jessa for affection and suggested he needed to start believing in his own attractiveness again.  There’s so much truth in that.  Let me be blunt.  If you are begging or is desperately obsessed to be with a woman, it is not the woman that you really want.  In your mind, she represents the very thing you lack… which is what you desperately want.  Being with her is not going to fill that void.  You have to mend that yourself and once you do, you will be confident and never have to beg a woman again to accept you in her life.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, Marnie seems to have lost herself when she lost Charlie.  Sometimes, you are so wrapped up in the loss that you can’t strategize about getting him jealous!  I will save my commentary about her for a different blog.

Now, in between  all the “loss” that was portrayed in the party for many of the characters, I was relieved to see that there was hope that Hannah could gain something out of the night.  I loved the scene when Adam called Hannah out:

“You never ask me about my life!,” he says.

The line alone reveals a whole new dimension to Adam that we have never seen before.  Before this incident, we only saw Adam through Hannah’s eyes. In episode 4, she said she wanted him to make her feel like she was the best person in the world.  Reciprocally, did she ever make him feel like the best person in the world?  She never asked him about his world!

Adam and Hannah fighting - You never asked

In a relationship, you have to reciprocate.  Fighting with Adam brought up a mirror to her own perception of herself.  More often than not, a relationship is a reflection of who you are and I hope that Hannah finally gets to see herself for who she is as she ponders what’s going to happen next with Adam.

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    May 8th, 2012  (0)
Why You Shouldn’t Worry So Much About Other People’s Thoughts Of You
Posted by Khiem in: Advice, Articles

Today, I got a good reminder lesson for myself.  It’s actually a lesson that I feel a lot of people should learn early on in life hopefully:

Don’t worry so much about what other people think or do.

I know it’s common.  Deep inside, we all want to be liked.  So we look to other people, our family, our friends, our peers to gain insight into our own selves, to validate us, to tell us that we are alright.  We spend a lot of time worrying about what other people may think of us, how they may judge us.

I remember feeling that anxiety the most when I just turned 30.  I’m 32 now, as of a few days ago.  Back then, I started comparing myself a lot to my friends.  What have I achieved so far in my life?  How are my friends doing?  How come I’m not where they are at?  Shouldn’t I be married already?  How come all my friends seem to be settling down already?  Is something wrong with me?

I think it’s natural to self reflect from time to time.  It can be healthy to want to know how people perceive us.  It’s a sign of maturity in self-awareness… Sometimes, it can be a decent quantifiable gauge of whether we are going in the right direction.  But sometimes, it does get out of hand.  So today, I want to remind everyone:  please please please don’t let people’s perception of you dictate what you do so much.

In dating, this is even that much more important.

It was endearing, really.  I felt like a big brother.  I was listening to him, smiling inside. He was so eager to ask me questions.  He has never met a guy who did dating coaching before.  I was waiting on a friend to be done with his work so we  started chatting.  He was Asian, just like myself.  I looked at him in quiet amusement.  He was 19, decently good looking, with high cheek bones and his long, black, straight hair pulled back behind a bandana.

As soon as he learned of what I did, he opened up to me about his situation.  He was seeing a girl.  It’s been a couple months…  But everything seems to have gone too fast, he said.

– What do you mean, “too fast”?, I asked.

– …like the second date

– Who’s to say that’s too fast?  Based on what?

– Well, I feel that’s all that we might do.  I talked to my roommate a long time last night.  He and I agreed that I’m the rebound guy.  I’m OK with that.  But how do you know if you are JUST the rebound guy?

– So what if you are just the rebound guy?

– I dunno…  What does she want?  My roommate and I talked all night.  We kept on wondering what she wants.

– Why is it so important for you to define the relationship?

–  Shouldn’t you?  I think it’s important.  Don’t girls like that?  Well, I want to know.  What if I wanted to be more than the rebound guy?  When I met her, she just broke up with her boyfriend.

–  OK and…?  […] Do you like her?

– Yea… I do.  But she’s going to Spain in a few weeks.  Does that count?  How does she see me?

– Well, what do you want?

– Hmm… I dunno.

–  Do you want more?

– I dunno.  I dunno yet.

– That’s your problem right there.  Why are you so worried about what she wants when you don’t even know what you want.

– I dunno.  I never thought of it like that.  My roommate and I… we just kept on going in circles wondering what she wants.

– You can only know what you can do or who you can be once you know what you want.  Think of it this way.  If you are going on a business deal, you want something from the other person.  What do you bring to the table?  What do you have to offer?  If you don’t know what you want, there’s no negotiation you can have with what the other person wants.   So going back to your original question, as of right now, you can be whatever you want!  You just need to know what you want first.

– Yeaaa!…. it makes sense.

–  And with her, the only thing is… you might have to change the nature of what you do with her just to make sure she sees you the way you want her to see you.  For example, make sure that when you hang out with her, you don’t go straight to the bedroom.  That way, it will allow her to see you in a new light and it will allow you to discover different sides of her as well.  That’s how you develop the connection that will create the potential for a relationship, assuming that’s what you want.  Just one thing though, don’t be too nice.

Miley Cyrus Sticking Out Her Tongue

– What do you mean?  Why can’t I be nice?  Why is it that everyone says that?  I’ve noticed that when I date girls I’m not totally into, I’m not super nice.  But with girls I like, I tend to be really nice.

– Again, that’s because you worry too much about what other people think of you, here with what she thinks of you.  You want her to like you.  It’s not that you can’t be nice. Just don’t put her on a pedestal.  Let me put it this way.  If you met a fat girl… scratch that, even a hot girl that really really really liked you and was super nice to you all-the-time.  How do you feel?

– It’s weird.  It’s awkward.

– Why?

– I dunno.  It doesn’t feel natural.

– Exactly.  That’s because no one wants to be on someone else’s pedestal.  It doesn’t feel right.  When you are being too nice, it’s not real.  People know that.  It’s not the real you.  It’s not genuine.  So if you want a a chance at a relationship with her and you base it on you not being real or genuine…

– It’s not going to work.  It’s not gonna be sustainable!

– [smile]  You got it.  Don’t worry though, this will pass with age.  As you get better with dating, you’ll worry less about what other people think so you can be more of yourself.  Right now, I’m sure that’s why you and your guy friends probably talk about who does what with who. You want to be liked by them and without knowing it, you try to outdo each other.  You aren’t really trying to impress girls, you are trying to impress guys!

– Yeah, that’s true!  I don’t know why we do that.

– Again, that’s because you worry too much about what people think of you.

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