Every guy who had to learn how to be more social, more charming has asked me this one question.  Every time, I try to give as thoughtful of an answer as I can but today, let me answer it once and for all and give the question as much thought as possible.

My biggest problem with a girl is running out of things to say and telling stories, keeping the conversation interesting. It’s a broad question, I know, but any advice?

Keeping the conversation going  essentially boils down to your mastery of two things:

• your listening skills
• your relating skills

For some of you guys, when you talk to a woman you are attracted to, you run out of things to say because you are not actually listening to her.  Instead of enjoying her company, paying attention to her and staying in the moment with her, you let your mind race at 200 miles an hour because you are either trying to anticipate what she’s going to say next or trying to say something clever, witty or funny to impress her.

So the first thing you need to do is slow down.  Get curious about her, get curious about what she’s talking about.  Listen for those key portal words.  When I’m talking to a woman, I personally look for which topics trigger the most powerful emotions in her (passion, excitement, happiness, fear…) and for which topics interest or intrigue me the most (common interest or even my own personal curiosity on a particular subject matter) because that’s where I’ll lead the conversation to next.

I want the woman to feel and attach strong emotions when she’s around me.

Typically, you don’t want to enter the conversation trying to impress the woman.  When you are trying to impress her, you are sub-communicating that you don’t feel worthy of her, not good enough for her.  That mindset comes from a place of insecurity and does not make you look confident… which in turns, is not very attractive to most women.

Your relating skills comes from your ability to share yourself through storytelling.  A lot of guys think they have nothing to say to a woman when in reality, they have many years worth of opinions, experiences and adventures to share.  How old are you now?  26…?  Well, that’s 26 years worth of things to talk about!

Anything in your life can be turned into a story, whether it’s your grocery shopping list or your latest spontaneous mishap.  I personally believe that most people are afraid of opening up not because they didn’t think of doing it as much as they were afraid of being negatively judged.

I say… let people judge you!  When someone judges you, it’s more a reflection of who they are rather than who you are.  You can learn a lot more about someone by watching how they react to you rather than what they tell you.  Yes, even in conversations, actions speak louder than words.

The key to making your conversation interesting and unique is to focus on (more…)

Please don’t tell my girlfriend… but I’ve cheated on her.

I’m so ashamed to say… but I couldn’t help it.  It was so hard for me to resist.  How can you say no to a woman like Miranda?

She’s so sexy in her tight white and black outfit!

When she walks around next to me, my mind just wanders.  When she runs around blasting through enemy territory covering my ass, she makes my heart beat faster.  Thump, thump, thump…

Just look at her!  How can I resist her fierce, confident demeanor?  After all, she WAS designed to be the perfect woman!

In some ways, she even looks like my girlfriend…

Admit it, you are a geek at heart.

Football season is over.  Valentine’s Day just passed around the corner (but that was such “not a guy thing” to get excited over).  So what’s to keep a man busy until baseball or baskteball season start?

Mass Effect 2 of course!  For the XBox 360 and PC.  In this Sci Fi role playing game, you assume the role of Commander Shepard, soldier extraordinaire on a mission to save humanity from evil evil Collector and Reaper aliens.

More importantly, you get to flirt with a bunch of beautiful human and alien females of your choice.  Hmmm… I get to play with big guns AND flirt with women, what’s not to like?

Just have your pick:  M-15 Vindicator assault rifle, M-98 Widow sniper rifle, Miranda Lawson the fierce, M-300 Claymore shotgun, Jack the psycho bitch, M-6 Carnifex Hand Cannon pistol, Kelly Chambers the naive, Samara the rightous, M-4 Shuriken machine pistol, Tali’Zorah the shy nerd, Geth pulse rifle or Morinth the dangerous…

Oops, I think I just mixed my women with my guns again.

After spending a week exploring and saving the galaxy so that you can all have better lives, I had to ponder:  is this what young men have come to:  romancing virtual girls and sexing them on our computer screen?  Is this the next generation of soft core porn?

What does Mass Effect 2 really teach us when it comes to flirting and “scoring” with the opposite sex?

For goodness’ sake,  let’s be honest, how many of you guys rubbed one out as you watched the lovely “romance” scene play out with the lady or man of your choice?

Unfortunately for you, if you were planning on getting yourself a copy of the game just so that you can go straight into making your virtual sexual fantasy a reality, your journey won’t be easy.  Even in the game, these women (or men for that matter, in case you picked to be a female Shepard at the beginning of the game) won’t be throwing themselves at you anytime soon.

When it comes to romance, the developers of Mass Effect 2 got it right.  Even a hero needs to know how to flirt.

So what can you learn from the game about attracting love into your life? (more…)

Are you just giving yourself excuses?

When learning to meet women and making connections, some guys don’t push the interaction very far.  When I was helping David Wygant on his bootcamp over the first weekend of December, one client could approach anyone I pointed out but would not carry the interaction into the personal stage.  He would fluff and talk about very general stuff that were fun but he really didn’t lead it anywhere interesting.  He would talk for 5 minutes then leave.  Eventually, I asked him:  “why aren’t you going further with this interaction?  The woman was obviously enjoying your company.”

He responded:  “Well, I didn’t find her very attractive.  She’s not my type.”

At first, I didn’t say anything.  I know that it’s easier to get excited and flirty with a woman you actually find attractive but as I watched him more, I saw him not push the interaction far with any of the women we spoke to at the Beverly Center.  The woman may not have been to his liking but how can one truly gauge someone’s attractiveness if one doesn’t even get to know the person?

So I told him:  “I can tell you are picky but let me ask you this:  if you wanted her, could you get her?”

He remained silent for 10 minutes then he finally said:  “You are right, Khiem.  Even if I wanted her, I wouldn’t have been able to get her.”

When you are having a conversation with someone, there is a difference between having standards and giving yourself excuses so that you don’t have to continue the interaction.  It’s important for all of us to have minimum standards.  We don’t want to waste time with people we have no interest in keeping in our life but we should still give everyone a chance to be be part of our life and meet our criteria.  Before you reach a level where you can be choosy, answer honesty:  can you connect with anyone and make them want to see you again?

During an interaction, there is a moment when the person’s attitude towards you changes.  You can clearly see that he/she is intrigued by you and wants to get to know you even more.  At that moment, if neither of you ask for each other’s contact information, there would be a sense of regret and loss.  When you can stir up this desire consistently with the majority of people you meet, THIS is when you hold true charismatic power.

So if you are learning to overcome your approach anxiety and want to become magnificently magnetic, don’t be too quick to disregard or judge people.  Strive to connect with everyone on a personal level.  Make them want to see you again.  Make them want to smile again because you were there.  You may not know what may come out of it.  If nothing else, he/she can become a good friend or business connection.  You don’t have to escalate to a sexual level with people you aren’t attracted to but at least, you should be able to have them want to meet you for a quick drink because you are a fantastic person to be around.